Bride wants nothing fancy, her mom wants dream wedding
Adapted from a recent online discussion. Question: I'm newly engaged and having a hard time with others' expectations for what my wedding should be. I think marriage will be pretty cool, but actually getting married isn't important to me - no poufy-white-dress dreams. This is my fiance's second marriage, and he doesn't want anything fancy, either.
Adapted from a recent online discussion.
Question: I'm newly engaged and having a hard time with others' expectations for what my wedding should be. I think marriage will be pretty cool, but actually getting married isn't important to me - no poufy-white-dress dreams. This is my fiance's second marriage, and he doesn't want anything fancy, either.
However, I have a big family, and I'm the oldest grandchild, plus my mom desperately wants to "wedding" vicariously through me. How do I deal with the pressure? Can we just go to the courthouse without feeling guilty, or is the wedding truly "for the family"? Will my mom ever stop texting me white dresses from Pinterest?
Answer: You need to have a plain and honest conversation with your mother. She won't get what she "desperately" wants even if you self-sacrifice your way into the full Cinderella - because you won't revel in it, you'll be miserable.
Be utterly and lovingly straight with her that the fairy tale isn't happening. No poufy dress.
But what can happen is an intimate exchange of vows followed by a warm and loving celebration with your big family, because that needn't be fancy at all.
But, again, it starts with talking to Mom, which itself starts with your confidence in who you are. This is an opportunity to be gracious but firm. You're the woman she raised, after all, so trust that to be good enough once your mom deals with her initial disappointment.
Comment: Please don't go to the courthouse. It will cause more grief than it is worth. What my friends did was let their family know they were getting married in two weeks at X location, and they'd love for them to be there. They had a delightful park wedding followed by a dinner at a local restaurant. The weekend before, her mom went to Macy's with her to pick out a dress, Whole Foods to pick out flowers, and a local bakery to get a cake. Her mom felt involved, and wedding planning took literally two weeks, and it was the most low-key, intimate wedding I have seen. It was a lot less drama than eloping.
Reply: Good ideas here, thanks.
Party rooms in local restaurants are ideal for this - they handle everything, people can mingle, you can plan it in 15 minutes with their events manager, and it feels like a celebration.
Comment: Totally disagree. Talking it out is the answer, but going to the courthouse might well be the result. "Caus[ing] more grief than it is worth" is what the mother is doing, not the bride.
Reply: It's not about just the mother, but also the extent to which the bride wants to include family. There's a lot of room between "nothing fancy" and "courthouse," and between poor boundaries and valid disappointment.
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