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Chick Wit: Guess who's throwing out the first pitch on Ladies' Night at the Phillies game?

Folks, I have major news. Actually, it's major-league news. I'm going to be throwing out the first pitch at a Phillies game.

Folks, I have major news.

Actually, it's major-league news.

I'm going to be throwing out the first pitch at a Phillies game.

The game will be Aug. 20, when the Phillies play the Cardinals, which is Ladies' Night. Francesca and I will both be there, meeting and greeting ladies before I make a fool of myself in front of both sexes.

Mark the date on your calendars because it will be the day that baseball changes forever.

How often do you think varicose veins show up on the pitcher's mound?

Exactly.

This is Virgin Varicose Territory.

Before I explain how this amazing event came about, let me first state the obvious. This is a huge honor for a hometown girl like me, and I'm very grateful to the Phillies. When I first got the news, my instant reaction was incredible excitement, and my second reaction was:

What do I wear?

Well, it's Ladies' Night, and I think like a lady.

But also I think like a middle-age lady who realizes that it's hot in August and that means I can't wear my fleece sweatshirt and fleece sweat pants, which Francesca affectionately calls my teddy-bear clothes.

And that means I have to wear shorts, displaying to advantage my thigh cellulite, wrinkly knees, and aforementioned varicose veins, running up and down my legs like I-95.

At some point, we ladies become Google Maps.

I am now Driving Directions.

The only good thing is that the game isn't until Aug. 20, which gives me more than enough time to lose 50 pounds.

Or maybe five.

Or one.

Plus, I have to learn to pitch by then.

No problem.

I looked it up, and the distance from the pitcher's mound to home plate is 60 feet, 6 inches, so I'm pretty sure that I can get the ball over the plate if I stand 6 inches away.

I want to make a good showing for ladies everywhere, so when I got the news that this was actually happening, I did the first thing most ladies would do.

Go shopping.

In order to practice my pitch, I needed a ball and a baseball mitt, though at one point in my life, I had both. But my ball and baseball mitt went the way of my sanitary belt, and probably for the same reason:

Who needs it?

So I went out to the store to buy a ball and a baseball mitt, where I was the only 60-year-old in the aisle trying on baseball gloves.

I picked out a black mitt because it's slimming.

Also, it was a ladies' mitt because it has pink laces.

Actually, I don't think that's sexist, or even if it is, it's not the end of the world, because pink is my favorite color.

You know the joke, there are two times in a woman's life when she likes pink - the first time is when she's 6 years old, and the second time is when she's in menopause.

Wrong on both counts, pink haters.

For me, menopause is a memory.

And now, I don't remember.

It's like sex that way.

To return to the point, I didn't have to buy a jersey, or T-shirt, or whatever you call the thing that baseball players wear on top, because the Phillies are actually providing me a Phillies baseball jersey that will have my own name on the back.

How cool is that?

Ladies love personalized items.

Just ask Frontgate.

By the way, the Phillies asked me what number I wanted on the back of my jersey. I instantly thought 60, for obvious reasons, but the numbers don't go that high.

Also, I didn't want to advertise my waist size.

LOL.

So then I chose number 1, because all middle-age ladies should be number 1 in their own mind, even if we are number 293874646828238 in the world's mind.

But number 1 was already taken.

Probably by some egomaniac.

So I chose 2.

I try harder.

And I always will.

See you at the game, ladies.

And thanks, Phillies!

Look for Lisa's new emotional thriller, "Most Wanted," in stores now. Also look for Lisa and Francesca's new humor collection, "I've Got Sand in All the Wrong Places," coming July 12, and Lisa's next Rosato & DiNunzio novel, "Damaged," coming Aug. 16.

lisa@scottoline.com.