Couple needs counseling, but together, not apart

DEAR ABBY:

My girlfriend and I have been together for three years and have a 1-year-old daughter. Unfortunately, our fights have become more frequent now. She suggested counseling, which I agree with. However, she insists that I'm the one who is causing the problem and that I should go first.

Sometimes, we fight about finances, since I work to support our family while she looks after our daughter. We are a mixed-race couple, and sometimes race comes into play. She accuses me of making demands on her because of my ethnicity (e.g., "You want an obedient partner because you're Chinese"). To me, that's racist, and I have told her so. Of course, she disagrees.

Needless to say, that's my version of the story. Where can I find a good therapist?

- Robert in New York

DEAR ROBERT: I agree you and your girlfriend could use some counseling, but you should get it together. That your girlfriend drags race into your financial disagreements is unfair to you.

Ask your physician if he or she knows a good counselor, check with your health insurance company for a referral, or visit the New York State Psychological Association website (nyspa.org) to find someone who is licensed to practice in your state.

DEAR ABBY:

If I take my wife out for a nice dinner, is it rude for her to excuse herself a couple of times during dinner to go outside and smoke a cigarette?

- Dinner for Two

DEAR D.F.T.: This isn't a question of rudeness. Your wife is severely addicted to nicotine. If she could make it through the meal without a fix, I'm sure she would. How sad!

DEAR ABBY:

I am writing about all the letters you've printed that assume every relationship must end in marriage - or at least living together - in order to work. It isn't so. Robert Parker, noted author of the Spenser novels, and his wife lived on separate floors of a duplex for decades. I have been with my significant other for 20 years, and the only thing that keeps us together is living apart.

In our case, we aren't married, and we live in the same condo complex, a minute's walk apart. After we had spent about 10 years as a couple, the neighbors stopped asking me when we would be married.

I'm a 59-year-old woman; he's a 64-year-old man. He needs absolute minimalism in his home, as opposed to my need to have things out so I don't forget them. In short, we have different living styles.

I have met many other women who envy my living situation. They love their husbands, but find living together to be too stressful. Comments, Abby?

- Cindy in Naples, Fla.

DEAR CINDY: My only comment would be that I'm glad you and your significant other have found a lifestyle that works for you and fosters your relationship. I hope you have many happy years together and apart.