You may have heard the bad news.
Playboy will no longer be publishing photos of nude women.
What's this world coming to?
Is nothing sacred?
Playboy has been around for as long as I've been alive, and I remember sneaking peeks at it when I went to babysit, because the people I babysat for kept theirs in the top drawer in their bedroom.
Don't ask me how I know this.
Just take it from me that your babysitter knows more about dresser drawers than you do.
By the way, I waited until the baby was asleep to start looking at pornography.
The very definition of a great babysitter.
This, back in the day when babysitters earned 50 cents an hour.
Listen, you get what you pay for.
Anyway, to stay on point, it should be obvious that a world without Playboy magazine is the worst thing that can happen to women.
Without Playboy, how is a young girl going to learn that breasts should be at least a G cup?
To match a G string.
It's sort of like matching your bra and your underwear, only different.
Not only that, but Playboy taught me that breasts are supposed to be completely devoid of moles, stretch marks, and nipple hair.
From now on, where are we going to get our self-loathing from?
You think it's easy to hate your body overnight?
You need good reasons, and Playboy gave us tons of them.
Meanwhile, who else but Playboy would've ever thought of putting bunny ears and tails on women?
Who knew we could be woodland animals, as well as human beings?
Expanding our horizons.
Not only that, but Playboy was educational. It showed us women lots of interesting ways we could sit on hay bales, tractors, and even boring old beds. There's no reason to sit down and cross your legs when you can lie down and form a flying wedge with whatever limbs you have available.
Open your minds, ladies.
And your legs.
Plus, Playboy taught me about fashion, like the fact that I should match my outfits to my setting, so that any time I sat on a hay bale, I knew I was supposed to have a folksy-looking straw hat pulled down seductively over one eye.
Men are so into hats.
Also hay bales.
They love that.
Besides, I learned so much more from Playboy magazine, which was a true friend to women. For example, I used to read the hobbies of the various Playmates, and without that information, I never would've realized walking on a beach could qualify as a hobby.
Good to know.
Come to think of it, I don't remember any of the Playmates saying reading was her hobby.
Maybe the joke was on them, because people evidently stopped reading Playboy.
So I've clearly proved that life without Playboy will be terrible for women, but how will it be for men?
Just as bad.
How will young boys develop unrealistic expectations of women?
You can't expect them to go back to National Geographic.
But wait, this just in.
The reason Playboy isn't showing pictures of nude women anymore isn't because people aren't interested in pictures of nude women.
It's because there are so many free pictures of nude women on the Internet that Playboy can't make money that way anymore.
In other words, there are so many new businesses exploiting women they are squeezing out the old businesses that used to exploit women.
The legacy exploiters aren't even being grandfathered in.
Explain that to your grandfather.
This is exactly the specter of technology I've worried about.
That the Internet will bring so much progress nobody will ever have to pay for pornography, thus putting out of business everybody's favorite pornographer.
I don't know what this world is coming to.
But I have a feeling I'm going to find out.
Look for Lisa and Francesca's latest humor collection, "Does This Beach Make Me Look Fat?" Also, look for Lisa's new novel, "Corrupted," for sale now.