Tell Me About It: Sight-unseen by phone, in love

Adapted from a recent online discussion.

Question: Do you think it's possible to fall into a relationship without actually seeing the person? I'm in a phone relationship - long distance - but I have never had a conversational connection like I have with him. I am afraid, however, that the physical attraction won't be there if and when we meet. Is it possible for personality to overcome other obstacles?

Answer: Possible in general, sure, but that's irrelevant. All that matters is whether it's possible in your case, and you won't know that till you're both in the same room.

I suggest assuming it won't happen and being pleasantly surprised when it does vs. hoping it will happen and being crushed when it doesn't.

I also suggest due diligence and taking other precautions before you actually meet, including: verifying independently that he is who he says he is, choosing a public place to meet, using your own transportation to get there, telling friends where you'll be and whom you're meeting (if a couple of them can be dining elsewhere in the same restaurant, even better), and not disclosing your home address.

Comment: True story: Met a guy on the phone. We did regular business together, and I was falling in love before we ever laid eyes on one another. After a year, we met, and he looked remarkably like my first husband. And, I might add, not my "dream" coloring/height/build.

But he is my dream man, and we've been together 33 years, married 25. So, yes, it can happen, if you're open to looking beyond what you might dismiss if you'd met in person originally.

Comment: "I am afraid, however, that the physical attraction won't be there if and when we meet": It would be more sensible to be afraid that he is not in person like he is on the phone. You don't really know him at all.

Comment: I have been through this. As I fell for someone I knew only through words and a voice over the phone, I tended to fill in the rest with my imagination without realizing I was doing it. I created a complete person in my mind out of partial data, and when I finally met him, I had difficulty seeing him as he was because I was already "in love" with a fantasy.

Without face-to-face contact, you don't have information about even the most basic things, like how someone smells, or body language cues, and you can't observe how this person treats others or reacts when traffic's bad. It's also more difficult to know whether you are being lied to about anything.

Learning these things after I had already developed feelings for the person, and we both felt that we were already in a relationship, was a special hell I vowed never to put myself through again.

If I were in this position now, I would enjoy talking to the person, but I would make a point of keeping a certain distance, knowing I didn't have the full picture.

Reply: Well-said, thank you.

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