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Tell Me About It: Include divorced folks in couples' parties

While I'm away, readers give the advice. On divorced people as social creatures: I'm a divorced mom to an elementary-age kid. I'm a social creature - love dinner parties, open houses, family pizza nights, neighbor barbecues, weekend trips. My life was full of this as part of a married couple.

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While I'm away, readers give the advice.

On divorced people as social creatures: I'm a divorced mom to an elementary-age kid. I'm a social creature - love dinner parties, open houses, family pizza nights, neighbor barbecues, weekend trips. My life was full of this as part of a married couple. But as a "divorcee," I feel excluded from social plans. I usually get a call to get together only when someone's hubby is working late or away on business, or maybe for a moms'/girls' night. I love and need my women friends, but I like having the men around, too.

A few years ago, I threw myself a little birthday party (grown-up wine and tapas) and invited my social circle. Only the women showed up - hubbies bowed out to watch the kids or watch the game. I was crushed. Same thing happened when I hosted a winter chili night - women without their plus-1, even though the invitation was clearly to both.

While I often know the female half of the couple better, I make it a point for some events to invite the couple. I'd like to make a public service announcement: Include the social singles in group gatherings. I promise not to flirt or infect a marriage with tantalizing tales of life after divorce, and an odd number at a dinner table is not the end of the world.

On avoiding the mother-in-law pitfalls: Even loving someone does not mean that every plan you have involving them is convenient. Propose visits with the phrase "If it's convenient for you" or "If that is OK with you" - and listen to the answer. Or wait to be asked. No gazing disrespectfully at the untidy house that is normal when there are small children present, or commenting on it; or reorganizing the house to "help out"; or making comments about feeding, sleep schedules, discipline, whatever.

Listen to your own reasoning carefully, and be sure you are not projecting onto the new family your own desires. If you don't, you are "that mother-in-law."

Chat with Carolyn Hax

online at noon Fridays at www.washingtonpost.com.