Chick Wit: Icky gift from non-stirring Christmas creature

Want to know what I got for Christmas?

Tularemia.

Don't know what that is?

Allow me to explain.

Rewind to a few days before Christmas, when Daughter Francesca came home for the holidays and was about to build us a fire, so I got in the car to go buy firewood since we didn't have any split logs.

I may be hardy, but I don't know how to split logs.

I'm not a lumberjack, I just dress like one.

So I hop in the car and take off to the store, but I'm thirsty, plus I have a canker sore, which considering my pain threshold, feels like childbirth.

All week, I'd been painting my tongue with every canker-sore remedy they sell. I am the biggest baby on the planet, especially for mouth things, because they interfere with talking and eating, which are my hobbies.

To stay on point, I was in the car driving to the store, but I had left an open bottle of water in the cup holder from the day before, so I picked it up and took a gulp.

It tasted funny, but everything tastes funny seasoned with Orajel.

Also it felt heavy, but I figured the water had frozen overnight.

Either way, I wasn't looking at the bottle, I was driving forward on my mission, with the task-oriented determination that women manifest at the holidays.

We get things done.

Stay out of our way.

Anyway, I drank the last of the water, tilting the bottle up, which was when I saw two black beady eyes staring back at me.

From inside the bottle.

The eyes belonged to a dead mouse.

In other words, there was a dead mouse inside the water bottle.

And I had drunk all the water.

Which the dead mouse had been marinating in, for a day.

Ewwwwwwwwwww!

I started spitting, though I didn't drive off the road, and found myself at a traffic light, screaming inside my car.

People in other cars looked over, but figured it was just another task-oriented woman at the holidays.

Then I did the only sensible thing, which was to call Francesca and wail, "I drank a mouse!"

And she said, "Ewwwwwwwwwww!";

Because I raised her right.

Don't ask me how a mouse got inside the bottle, or in my car. All I know I is that I felt like barfing, but instead I hung up and kept driving to the store, where I bought the firewood and a bar of Hershey's chocolate with almonds, which I ate instantly.

Chocolate being the remedy for all things.

And also the cause of canker sores.

But never mind, I needed to feel good right away.

By the way, I also took a picture of the mouse in the bottle, because I knew no one would believe me, then I threw the bottled mouse away.

On the way home, I got a call back from Francesca. "Mom," she said, "You should call a doctor about the mouse."

"Why?"

"I was reading online that you can get bad things from drinking water contaminated with a dead mouse."

"Like, what? Nightmares?"

"No. Seriously, the mouse droppings in the water can cause disease."

"Really?"

I didn't believe her at first, but it turns out, the answer really is really.

I will spare you the details, but suffice it to say, 'twas the night before Christmas, and all through the house, a creature was stirring, but it wasn't a mouse.

It was me, sitting on the toilet bowl.

All Christmas Eve.

Because of a mouse.

On Christmas morning, I called the doctor, who put me on a major antibiotic. He said that drinking water that contains a "mouse carcass" or droppings can cause an array of diseases, though they weren't generally seen in the Philadelphia suburbs.

Until now.

Go, me!

Well, as I write this, it's several days later. I'm beginning to feel better, and even my canker sore is gone.

Chocolate for everyone!

And Happy New Year!

lisa@scottoline.com.