Giving the fingers: The art of LOL-lygagging

IT USED to be a subject one didn't discuss in polite company. You kept these kinds of things to yourself. Then the revolution arrived, the walls of prudishness were toppled, and a world of possibilities opened up.

People decided, and rightly so, that the old rules should no longer apply. It was time to rid ourselves of those stuffy, old-fashioned traditions that were holding us back. If we were to truly enjoy the endless pleasures that were available to us, we would have to let go. We would have to explore. We would have to cross cultural boundaries and learn how other people do it.

And let's face it. There are others who do it far better than we do. When we compare those people to ourselves, the differences are easy to see. They're not as uptight as we are. They have a better handle on stress. They're just . . . happier, and I believe it's because they're so good.

They're the type of people who can do it over and over again. Fast or slow. Long or short. It doesn't matter. They've mastered nearly every known technique, and they're inventing new ways to do it every day.

Have you seen them in action? They use quick, flitting hand motions that allow their fingers to roam in ways the rest of us can't possibly match. The result? Performance, efficiency and longevity. They can do it for hours on end.

That's why I believe it's incumbent upon these masters of motion to share their secrets with the rest of us. That's right. It's time for young people to produce the world-changing tome of their generation.

They can call it . . . The Joy of Text.

I've seen their busy little fingers produce book-length text messages in five seconds or less. I've watched them fire off Twitter rants with the deadly accuracy of an automatic weapon. Perhaps, most importantly, I've watched them ignore phone calls in favor of thumb play. While witnessing their disdain for actual conversation, I've learned from them, but it wasn't easy.

I was initially resentful of their texting prowess. In fact, I was suffering from text envy. It wasn't fair that they were so good at it and I wasn't. The fact that they could text an entire term paper seemed wrong somehow. Given that text proficiency has become such a necessity in our society, watching their touchscreen mastery made me feel inadequate. Even worse, it made me feel ashamed.

If I could just become proficient at texting, I thought, it would level the playing field between myself and twentysomethings. Text mastery would make me a better husband, a better employee and a better dad because, let's face it, texting makes it simpler to say uncomfortable things.

Relationship text? It's not you, it's me.

Quitting a job text? I'm outta here!

Avoidance text? I'm in a meeting.

Aggressive text? I'm gonna get you sucka.

And if the text seems a bit too abrasive to send as-is, you can always soften the blow by ending it with the abbreviation for "laugh out loud."

I mean, who wouldn't love to get messages like, It's not you, it's me. LOL! I'm outta here! LOL! I'm in a meeting. LOL! I'm gonna get you sucka! LOL!

Texting allows you to avoid real conversations with people you didn't want to talk with in the first place. It allows you to avoid eye contact when you don't feel like looking at people. It allows you to say crazy stuff in a way that gives you plausible deniability. Why? Because you can always put that LOL at the end, and play it off like you were joking.

So next time someone calls you and you don't want to be bothered with a real conversation, press the ignore button, allow the call to go to voice mail and think of the following excerpt from the forthcoming book, The Joy of Text:

"When the moment of truth arrives, assume the ant position, with your thumbs poised above your QWERTY touchscreen like an insect's antennae. Allow your thumbs to stroke the screen ever so gently. Feel it, massage it and master it. Let your emotions run wild. Then breathe in deeply while staring lovingly at the letters, and just when the automatic backlight begins to fade, type the word your touchscreen longs to display: 'I'm in a meeting.' And don't forget to end it with the universal message softener, "LOL!"