Chick Wit: Relationship spoiler alert

My boyfriend isn't caught up on Breaking Bad. This may not sound like a crisis to you, but it is.

There are only two episodes left in the greatest show on television, and as if that weren't traumatizing enough, the writers are torturing my favorite characters to the bitter end. And I can't say a word to my boyfriend.

No spoilers.

I suffer alone.

We love watching our favorite shows together. But with the advent of DVR and Netflix, watching a show as a couple has gotten complicated.

When it comes to appointment television, how do you sync your calendars?

First, my boyfriend got me into Game of Thrones. He was sweet enough to rewatch the entire first season with me in prep for the second, and that's after having read the books, so it was truly selfless.

This is the courtly love of the modern era.

He tried to guide me through the labyrinthine plot, patiently explaining the characters' complex family trees and alliances, but I couldn't even keep their names straight. I made up my own nicknames and left him to interpret.

I'd say, "Oh, so Incest-Hottie killed the Dragon-Blonde's crazy dad?"

He'd translate: "Yes, Jaime Lannister killed Daenerys Targaryen's father, King Aerys Targaryen, a.k.a. the 'Mad King.' That's why they call Jaime 'Kingslayer.' "

Even the show bails on their real names.

It was after I caught up that the trouble started. Since my boyfriend works on Sunday nights, we promised to wait to watch each new episode until we could watch together.

But one night, he came over looking sheepish. "I have something to tell you . . . . "

Never words a girl likes to hear. My mind raced through the terrible options: You cheated, you're getting back with your ex, you're moving abroad, you're ga- "

"I watched Game of Thrones already."

BETRAYED!

I had to know the details. "When?"

"Three days ago."

Twist the knife, why don't you?

It wasn't so much that he watched it that made me mad - people slip up - but that he delayed telling me. It had taken all my willpower to resist watching the episode on my DVR. I thought our Game of Thrones relationship was exclusive.

"But I'll watch it again with you," he said.

So we tried that. But watching a show twice within days is boring, and bored men can think of only one thing. His mind and hands would wander, and I'd swat him away.

It's not you, it's HBO.

It was my turn to get him addicted to a show with Breaking Bad. I binge-watched the first four seasons on DVD and thought it was the best thing I'd ever seen. No junkie likes to be alone, so I got him hooked by rewatching the first season.

When his band had to go away on tour, I gave him the entire DVD set to catch up on the road. We planned to watch the fifth and final season together.

That was last December.

He had nine months to catch up, yet he only got halfway through Season 3. Women give birth in less time.

But he was busy living his life-priorities - and we're both to blame, because we thoughtlessly spent our time together other ways and neglected our TV homework. It didn't seem like an issue until the final season began this August.

And now I can't tell him anything.

It's torture! I never keep secrets from him - except for my real weight, my "number," my elaborate skin-care rituals, what I tweeze, or that I have ever in my life farted - but other than that, no secrets!

We share everything, our hopes, fears, dreams, colds, and yet I can't tell him what happened to Hank last episode. And did you see last week's episode?

OK, sorry. No spoilers.

And I won't be able to hide my face in his shoulder when they do what you know they're going to do to Jesse before the series ends.

This is not a spoiler. It's an inevitability. Prepare yourselves.

But this, too, was unavoidable. My boyfriend is on tour again now, and he'll miss the series finale, so even if he had caught up, I'd have to go it alone.

Why don't I hold off watching the finale and wait for him?

I'm spoiled.