For TV success: Get real. And afraid. Oh, and naked

WITH THE creation of its new naked reality show, "Naked and Afraid," the Discovery Channel has made the creators of "Jersey Shore" look like Martin Scorsese.

The show's premise is simple. The producers pick a man and a woman and drop them naked in the middle of nowhere, and give them 21 days to get to a predetermined extraction point. Judging by the publicity photo featuring a mud-slathered couple trying their best to look like Neanderthals, I'm sure it's a rip-roarin' good time.

There is one redeeming quality to buck-naked programming, and here it is: If Discovery can create a program containing all the intellectual vigor of "George of the Jungle," then anyone can make a TV show. So, this Father's Day, while the other dads are opening vomit-green ties and waiting for collect calls, I'll be making my own gift. That's right, I'm creating a reality show.

The way I figure, it shouldn't be hard to get people to sign on. After all, if the prospect of reality-show stardom can persuade otherwise rational adults to run naked through the Panama jungle, I should be able to get folks to do just about anything. Of course, selling it to a network will require having more than one idea, so here goes.

Pitch No. 1: 'In the MSB and Afraid' 

We drop a normal taxpayer into the depths of Philadelphia's Municipal Services Building (MSB), where they will face perils the likes of which they've never seen. Having come from a world in which they have to do their jobs or be fired, taxpayers will find themselves disoriented and afraid, because in the catacombs that run beneath City Hall, workers live in a very different reality.

There's Sadie the Smoker, who hasn't missed a cigarette break in 30 years. There's Attitude Abbie, who can roll her eyes and suck her teeth with the best of them. There's Tommy the Talker, who is always on the phone with his girlfriend, but never has time to talk to you. And of course, there's Bobby the Bureaucrat, who can kill the average taxpayer using nothing more than a quote from the cracked and yellowed pages of his 6-inch-thick operations manual.

Our taxpayer's task? Navigate this dangerous jungle of bureaucracy in just eight hours. Talk to every insane person until you find Friendly Fred, the one man who can solve your problem without making you come back 50 times. Sounds easy, doesn't it? Well, here's the catch. You have to do it naked.

Pitch No. 2: 'In a Cubicle and Afraid' 

We drop an office worker into a place that is totally familiar - their job. But there's one big difference: Work never ends.

For 500 hours, our contestant is locked in the office. That means working 'round the clock with that co-worker who never bathes, encountering the manager who treats the office like "The Dating Game," tolerating the guy who's always swamped but never working, and ducking the girl who judges your burger since she's on a seaweed diet.

Working with them 24 hours a day would probably be a difficult task under normal circumstances. But like any good reality-show producer, I'm going to up the ante. That worker will have to do it naked.

Pitch No. 3: 'At the Eagles Game and Afraid' 

We drop an unsuspecting football fan into the middle of a preseason Eagles game and ask them to pretend they're watching actual NFL football.

The challenge is complex. Having fired Andy Reid after watching him drag the franchise to levels of ineptitude we haven't seen since the 1970s, the Eagles are in rebuilding mode, but they still charge topflight prices. A ticket for the first preseason game against the New England Patriots can go for $115.30, according to Ticketmaster. And that's before you even get a hot dog.

Our erstwhile football fan must cheer enthusiastically for the Wal-Mart clerks and street sweepers who will play the majority of each preseason game before being cut from the team. This fan will have to ignore the profanity-laced tirades of fans like Hank from Port Richmond. And he will have to plunk down $5 for a soft pretzel that's not so soft anymore. By the time our fan pays for parking, a beer and some Eagles memorabilia, he will have paid a down payment on a house.

But don't worry. He won't have to spring for an Eagles jersey to wear to the game. You know why? Because he'll have to do it naked.