Tell Me About It: What to do with checks from Dad?

Question: My father was a nightmare. When I was a kid, he would tell me I was "a b- just like your mother" and throw things at me; he threw me down the stairs once and broke my arm. By the time I was 13, I realized I hated him and wanted him gone. Eventually I convinced my mother to leave him. I was 15 then and it's been about 10 years since I've seen or spoken to him.

Over the years, my father has sent me cards on my birthday and other holidays, telling me how much he loves and misses me but never acknowledging what he did. He always sends sizable checks, usually several hundred dollars. I've always cashed the checks and thought of the money as child support he owed me. When I was younger and struggling to put myself through college, I desperately needed the money.

Now I'm done with school, have a job and don't need the money, but the checks keep coming.

On one hand, I feel he still owes me a lot. On the other, through the process of repairing my relationship with my mother, I've found I no longer hate him. I've come to understand he is severely mentally ill.

I've been thinking the thing to do is release him from my life permanently. If I stop opening the cards and cashing the checks, then I can give him back to God, if that makes sense. What do you think?

Answer: The opportunity: Depositing your father's check and writing another for the exact amount to an organization that, say, helps abused kids, or aids the mentally ill, or supports struggling parents to help break the abuse cycle, might provide you with a surprising source of strength and validation. Inform your father of the donation with a note, even.

You could also use the money - or your own, certainly - for good counseling, if "torn" is a chronic condition for you, and not limited to matters of money from Dad.