It's almost the New Year, and as you may know, I don't like to make conventional resolutions, because that requires me to think about how much I suck.
Who needs it?
Instead, every new year, I prefer to make unresolutions. I think about the things I like about myself and resolve to keep doing them.
As in, I resolve to keep kissing my dogs on the lips.
I can't be the only middle-aged woman with puppy breath.
And this year, I have one big unresolution, which is to continue to dream about harebrained schemes to make money.
I know I'm not alone in this, either.
Does Powerball mean anything to you?
Look, I know I'm lucky to have a job, much less one that I love, but that didn't stop me from buying a lottery ticket when the jackpot reached $500 million. Unfortunately, I didn't win, and neither did you.
Or if you did, and you're single, you need to call me.
I love to dream about winning the lottery. If I won, I don't know if I would quit writing books, but I would sure like the opportunity to find out.
I wonder if it would be The End.
Anyway, I resolve to keep thinking of harebrained schemes to make money, though other people have me beat. I'm talking about the guy I read about, who sold his last name for $45,000.
His name was Jason Sadler, and he auctioned off his last name to the highest bidder. It was bought by a company named Headsets.com, so now he's going to change his name to Jason HeadsetsDotCom.
That's a good ideaDotCom.
Why didn't I think of thatDotCom?
Scottoline isn't that great a name, and for that kind of money, I would change my last name to SomethingDotCom. After all, lots of women change their last names when they get married. Why buy the cow when you get the DotCom for free?
I was going to change my name to Lisa Clooney, if you-know-who called, but now I moved on to Mrs. Bradley Cooper, because for him I would give up my first and last names, without charging a dime.
I'm a bargain!
Then I read about another guy who tattooed Mitt Romney's name on his face for $15,000.
Another great harebrained scheme to make money!
I could start tattooing names on parts of my body, and lucky for me, I have a lot of body.
My butt alone could contain several pages of the phone book.
Maybe I could tattoo my headsets?
Then there was yet another harebrained scheme I read about, where somebody stole $18 million worth of maple syrup from a maple syrup cartel in Quebec.
First off, who knew there was such a thing as a maple syrup cartel?
And who's the kingpin, Mrs. Butterworth?
And where do they keep it, a Log Cabin?
I heard they arrested Aunt Jemima.
I'm guessing their hangout is International House of Pancakes.
The police caught them right away, probably because their fingers were sticky.
Whoever they are, my hat's off to them. They didn't kill anybody to take the syrup, and to me, the only thing worth stealing is carbohydrates.
In fact, if somebody hijacks chocolate cake from a chocolate cake cartel, cover for me.
Of course, the news is full of harebrained schemes to get money, and the biggest dreamer of all is the federal government, because it's currently driving us over the fiscal cliff.
Maybe we could tattoo the members of Congress?
Or maybe just their body parts.
You know which part.
But we'd have to find it first.
Happy New Year!
Look for Lisa Scottoline and Francesca Serritella's new collection of humor essays, "Meet Me at Emotional Baggage Claim," in stores now. Also, look for Lisa's most recent novel, "Come Home." You can write to Lisa at email@example.com.