Steve and Mia: Aunt schooled on lesbian love

Q: I was wondering if you could answer a question for me. My niece is a lesbian. She tells me she does not find men attractive. I get that part and really do not have any objections. I love her for who she is, not who she chooses to love. Last week, I met her "girlfriend" and I am really confused. This women binds her breasts, dresses like a man and has a man's haircut. Honestly, if I was not told she was a woman, I would have thought she was a man. I don't understand why lesbians try so hard to look and act like men if other lesbians don't find men attractive.

Mia: For starters, you're one cool aunt to be so accepting of your niece and who she chooses to love. Moving forward, keep in mind that, just like in heterosexual love, there are no easy answers when it comes to same-sex relationships.

Your niece loves a woman who appears butch. You wonder why, but keep in mind that when your niece's girlfriend's clothes are off, she's still a female. Her sexuality doesn't change because she wears a flannel shirt or a hoodie. You may never understand your niece's attraction, but that's OK. She may never know why you stay with old Uncle Fred. Just keep on loving each other and accept each other as you are.

Steve: People are people. Gay, straight, bi, trans, whatever. No two people share identical notions of what is attractive. There are as many variations as there are people. Don't look for logic. Just roll with it.

Q: I'm in a blended family that doesn't blend too well, especially during the holidays. My boyfriend spent most of Christmas Day at his ex-wife's house with her family. They have small children together, so I understand why he wants to be with them when they open their presents. I spent the entire day trying not to get upset about it. And it's not just Christmas time. It's a constant thing. He goes flying over there whenever she calls. It can be for anything. One of the kids is acting up. Or maybe she can't start her car. It feels like me and my kid come second. Help!

Mia: Are you dense? His kids and his ex come first, and if you can't take it, you need to move on. You didn't say how old his children are, but this could drag on for years. Do you really want to sit around and wait for him? Of course not. Do yourself a favor and use the start of the new year as an excuse to end things with this guy.

Steve: This is a common pitfall for men and women who get involved with someone who has kids. When you get into a relationship with someone who has children, the first thing you should know is that you are not getting into a relationship with one person - you are getting into a relationship with many people: the guy or gal, the ex, their children and all the other relatives attached to them. Some people can't handle it. But those issues must be recognized and resolved ASAP.


Steve is a 50-something married man who's been around the block. Mia is a younger, recently married woman with an all-together different attitude. They may not agree, but they have plenty of answers. Contact them at S&M@phillynews.com or S&M c/o Daily News, 801 Market St., Philadelphia, PA 19107.