A would-be teen suicide helps others

One year ago, Jordan Burnham, then an 18-year-old high school senior, was lying in a hospital bed, unable to speak, fighting for his life after jumping out a ninth-floor window.

Yesterday, in a new chapter in his life, Burnham told the story of his depression, suicide attempt and recovery to hundreds of riveted students at Pottsgrove Middle and High Schools.

"Would you take back that day?" asked one middle school student.

"Yeah," said Burnham. "It was a horrible decision. I hope no one goes through what I did."

But, he added, in one way the tragedy has given his life purpose. He can now help others understand mental illness and avoid what happened to him. "It did change my life in such a positive way," he said, "and I hopefully can help others."

Clearly, he did.

"What he said about learning to forgive yourself, I don't do that either," said Joelle Walton, 16, a junior. "He let me know it's OK to talk to other people about this."

"I suffered from depression," said a 15-year-old sophomore. "I'm on pills for it. He really touched me. How he grew from it, and learned from it, really helped me and I can grow from it, too."

"He truly touched my heart," said a senior girl, "and it hit home due to the fact that my father suffers from a mental-health problem. I don't speak about it. . . . Jordan helped me understand he's just dealing with a problem he has and everything will be OK. I didn't expect Jordan to be so down to earth, so normal."

Depression and suicide overwhelm American teenagers - one in 12 of them attempted suicide at least once last year, according to the federal Centers for Disease Control and Prevention. Yet these are subjects teens rarely talk about.

"It was important for students to hear from one of their peers," said Chris Shaffer, the high school principal. He said mental-health issues are "pervasive" among students.

Mental-health advocates, who have arranged for Burnham to speak in area schools, hope he will help remove the stigma surrounding mental illness, conveying to students that it is healthy to share feelings and seek help.

Burnham was a varsity golfer at Upper Merion High School in King of Prussia in September 2007 when he jumped out the ninth-floor bedroom window of his family's apartment. He was being treated for depression.

The Inquirer chronicled his story in January.

Burnham is now a student at Montgomery County Community College, walking with crutches, and about to undergo what he hopes will be one last surgery.

In each school yesterday, Burnham told students how he struggled to fit in, how he used humor to fool people into thinking he was coping well.

He said his depression probably began after his older sister went off to Pennsylvania State University.

"I had no one to talk to," he told the middle schoolers. "I didn't know you could talk to your school counselors. I didn't know you could trust them."

In high school, he said, "it's almost like you're making decisions to impress other people. You're trying to find your identity. I started experimenting with alcohol. I wanted to find a release for this depression I was feeling. But the next day I'd wake up and my problems were still there."

He talked about how cheating on his girlfriend in his junior year made him feel terrible, worthless, and led to his first flirtation with suicide, when he lined up bottles of pills.

But his girlfriend called his parents, warned them, and they stopped him. Burnham described his girlfriend's call to his parents as "the most loving thing anyone has ever done for me, calling out to get me help."

Burnham said he set expectations for himself he could never meet, and when he failed, he could not forgive himself.

Moments before he jumped, his parents confronted him about alcohol they'd found in the trunk of his car. "I'm sorry for letting you down," he told them.

He explained to the middle school students: "I felt hopeless, like I can never do anything right for my parents."

Burnham still doesn't remember jumping. He told the students about his injuries, his painful recovery, his sadness over missing his senior year. He graduated on time after being tutored at home for months.

Now that he's gotten help and understands his illness, he said, he doesn't feel ashamed or embarrassed. He loves that he feels comfortable with his counselor, his parents and his friends, that he can be open.

"I can tell when I'm getting down," he said. "I've been able to adapt. Thank God I can drive. I get out in my car. I find that so relaxing."

He told the students that many people, especially parents, still didn't trust him.

"They think what I did was selfish," he told the high school students. "I'm scared to even meet parents. I'm scared of what they'll think."

"How do you know if you have depression?" one middle school student asked.

"Tough question. Tough answer," Burnham replied.

One rule of thumb, he said, is that if you're sad or angry for no reason, or if your body functions are out of sync - not eating, or eating too much; not sleeping, or sleeping too much - those are signs. Another symptom could be if you stay upset about something for an unusually long time.

In both schools, students asked if he still had the same girlfriend. The answer was no. "But we're still good friends," he said.

After each presentation ended, many students approached him, asking more questions, sharing their problems, or just thanking him.

"I'm glad you're good, man," said Dominick Horchak, 14, an eighth grader.

"Thank you, dawg," Burnham replied.

"I'm glad you stayed alive," said Lakita Dodd, 14, an eighth grader. Then she hugged him.

For an online chat with Jordan Burnham at

4 p.m. today, as well as video and audio of him and his parents speaking on depression, go to http://go.philly.com/miracleEndText