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It made me sort of sick. I called a mutual friend who was aware that my boyfriend had been interested in white nationalism years ago.
When I talked to my boyfriend, he was very defensive. He was angry that I Googled him. I know that I invaded his privacy, but whether or not I found it, the forum posts - which were not necessarily hateful - would still be out on the Internet for anyone to read.
My boyfriend is sweet, thoughtful and caring. I love him. He lives with his nephew, who is biracial. He told me that after his nephew was born he realized he "couldn't hate his own blood." I think that he is going through a hard time right now because he is unemployed, and I want to be supportive, but on the other hand I don't want to be with someone who holds white nationalist views.
Do you think it is possible for someone with these beliefs to change?
- Julie
Dear Julie: When your boyfriend posted his views on the Web site, he did so assuming that they could be read by anyone.
Of course it's possible for someone's views to change. However, when your boyfriend says he "couldn't hate his own blood," I'd point out that accepting his own nephew's right to exist is not the same as repudiating his past racism. That he is angry with you for uncovering this doesn't further endear him.
Now it's up to you to discern what his views are and decide if you can live with them. If he has changed, then give him the opportunity to convince you.
Dear Amy: My daughter is in her 20s. Recently she was fired from her job, the second she has lost this year. From her complaints about the job and her own reports of what she was doing, I can pretty much guess why they fired her.
So far all I have done is listen to her tearful stories and provide some money to tide her over. I know that if I dare make any suggestions about changing her behavior, it will not go over well. At worst it would cause an estrangement for some period of time and result in no change.
I'd like to help her, but I'm at a loss.
- Worried Mom
Dear Mom: Often, asking good questions can get you further than making pointed statements - especially when someone is reluctant to listen.
"Why do you think you're having such bad luck on the job front, Kate?" you ask.
She may reply with a series of self-serving answers about how her bosses are so mean. Then you ask her if there are things she could do differently that might lead to a different outcome.
At some point, you should also tell her that she is going to have to live with the consequences of her employment choices. If your daughter has chosen to work in a field that isn't a good fit for her, she should pursue alternative training or schooling.
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