Neutralize colleague's one-upmanship
QUESTION: I have an older co-worker who constantly tries to prove that he's smarter than I am. "Tom" never went to college, while I have an advanced degree. Although I never mention my education, he brings it up all the time.
Because we work in a scientific field, Tom likes to search for obscure pieces of information and quiz me about them. If I don't know the answer, he says, "Well, you're the one that went to college." But if I do know the answer, he immediately goes online to find a way to contradict me.
These ridiculous debates are a complete waste of time. Even though I spent six years of my life studying this field, Tom will never accept anything I say. I am so frustrated that I have considered complaining to our boss. Do you have any other suggestions?
ANSWER: Although you probably don't realize it, you are actually encouraging Tom's childish behavior. In the language of office politics, your insecure colleague is playing a "superiority game." Superiority players compensate for feelings of inadequacy by trying to appear more important or informed than others.
The best way to shut down such a game is simply to stop playing. Since Tom's underlying objective is to aggravate you, expressing annoyance or engaging in pointless arguments will only motivate him to continue. Therefore, you must break this communication pattern by switching to a neutral response.
For example, when Tom points out that you went to college, just reply, "That's true." If he contradicts you, say, "That's an interesting point." Then drop the subject. Should you unwittingly become trapped in a verbal contest, end the interaction by saying, "We could probably debate this for a long time, but I have to get back to work."
The secret to success is delivering all these comments calmly and with a smile. To reduce your irritation, keep reminding yourself that Tom's obvious insecurity is actually rather pathetic. Once his verbal jabs stop producing the desired result, he will eventually abandon the game because it will no longer be rewarding.
Finally, please resist the urge to take this petty complaint to your boss. Managers need to deal with business problems, not personal squabbles. Besides, if you report that Tom is annoying you by trying to act superior, you will sound exactly like a tattling 10-year-old.
Q: Our new manager said that I look like the Wendy's hamburger girl because of my red hair. I didn't know what she meant, so I emailed a co-worker and said "I think this manager is crazy. Who is Wendy?"
My co-worker showed the email to our boss, who came to my desk and asked why I thought she was crazy. Is the lesson that you should not share your thoughts with co-workers?
A: There are actually three lessons here. Don't share personal opinions with colleagues who have no common sense. Don't ever put negative remarks about others in an email. And finally, if you ever become a manager, don't make idiotic observations about your employees' physical attributes.
ABOUT THE WRITER
Marie G. McIntyre is a workplace coach and the author of "Secrets to Winning at Office Politics." Send in questions and get free coaching tips at http://www.yourofficecoach.com, or follow her on Twitter @officecoach.
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