In literature, you can't spell classic without ass

Tattle is ashamed that we didn't think of this idea first.

British e-publisher Clandestine Classics is releasing sexed-up editions of Sherlock Holmes, Pride and Prejudice and other classics, with erotic passages woven into the traditional texts. That means Mr. Darcy "buried inside the depths" of Elizabeth Bennet in Pride and Prejudice, and Dr. Watson declared his "joy of knowing other men."

Really? Is that the best they can do?

What about the May-December lust-fest between Pip and Miss Havisham?

And we always thought Jane Eyre was a bit of a tramp.

Clandestine managing director Claire Siemaszkiewicz says she has always been drawn to "the underlying sexual tension" in older novels. The new editions were started before the Fifty Shades of Grey phenomenon, but the release date was moved up to July 30 in hopes of attracting fans of E.L. James' erotic trilogy.

After enrolling daughter Suri in a ritzy Manhattan Catholic school, Katie Holmes needed a job and has returned to Broadway.

Katie will star in Theresa Rebeck's "Dead Accounts," a five-character comedy directed by three-time Tony winner Jack O'Brien, producers said.

The new play, which had its world premiere at the Cincinnati Playhouse this winter, will open on Broadway this fall at the Music Box Theatre. Dates and other details will be announced later.

"Dead Accounts" centers on a son who returns to his family's home in Cincinnati flush with money, raising red flags for his sister, who lives with their elderly parents. Katie will play the sister.

Producers in a statement said the comedy "tackles the timely issues of corporate greed, small-town values and whether or not your family will always welcome you back."

In other New York theater news, Rachel Dratch and Mo Rocca will be getting down and dirty next month in a play about political sex scandals.

The duo will star in "Tail! Spin," a verbatim mash-up of the public interviews, secret emails, raunchy texts and Twitter gaffes that brought down politicians like former South Carolina Gov. Mark Sanford, ex-Rep. Anthony Weiner, ex-Rep. Mark Foley and former Sen. Larry Craig.

The show, which will make its premiere at the New York International Fringe Festival, has been dreamed up by Mario Correa, a contributor to NPR's "Weekend Edition." Tony Award nominee Dan Knechtges will direct the five-performance run, Aug. 11-16.

A new version of the Blue Man Group is opening on the Las Vegas Strip this fall as the current one ends its run at the Venetian.

Blue Man Group co-founder Chris Wink says the new show, set to open Oct. 10 in the Monte Carlo Resort, aims to take risks and "do something different."

With Vegas so family-friendly now, the group remains one of the few remaining acts to work blue.

TATTBITS

William "Billy" Bretherton, star of the A&E reality-TV show "Billy the Exterminator," and his wife have pleaded not guilty to drug charges in his home state of Louisiana.

Bretherton and his wife, Mary, were arrested in June on possession charges. At the time, they surrendered to police on a warrant charging them with one count each of possession of synthetic marijuana and paraphernalia.

On Wednesday, the couple each entered the pleas in a state court. Court documents show they had not yet hired an attorney but planned to before a Sept. 19 hearing.

A&E has not responded to requests for comment since then, but a video and bio promoting Billy's reality show are still on the network's website. The show follows the spikey-haired, leather-bound Bretherton as he responds to calls about various pests. The clip shows him trapping a snake, swatting at bees and chasing a goose with an umbrella.

KGW reports that Rachel Berry (not the "Glee" Rachel Berry) will not be able to compete in the Miss America pageant next year, even though she was selected as Miss Oregon last month.

Pageant director Dana Phillips says Berry couldn't prove she had lived in Oregon for six months before competing in the Miss Willamette Valley pageant in April.

Berry says competing to be Miss America is a dream she's worked at since she was young, but she accepts the decision.

Fred Willard, perhaps best-known as a dog-show announcer in the movie "Best in Show," was arrested on suspicion of committing a lewd act at a Hollywood adult theater. He was later fired from his work narrating the PBS series "Market Warriors."

Uniformed vice officers were conducting a routine investigation of the theater shortly before 9 p.m. Wednesday and saw Willard engaging in a lewd act, Los Angeles police Sgt. Mark Ro said. The actor was alone, he said.

Willard, 72, was booked at the Hollywood police station on suspicion of committing a lewd act in public. Ro said Willard was released after midnight.

TMZ.com reported that Willard said the arrest was a "big misunderstanding" and said flat out, "It didn't happen."

On his way out of his lawyer's office, Willard, with his wife by his side, said "a strange situation" led him to the theater, but added, "It's all being straightened out."

Isn't trying to get it "straightened out" generally the lewd act being performed in the adult movie theater? An unfortunate coincidence: Willard's next movie is titled "The Yank."

About 550 cutouts of a smiling David Hasselhoff were stolen from outside Cumberland Farms convenience stores recently.

Cumberland brand-strategy specialist Kate Ngo says only about 20 remain for the roughly 570 stores in New England and Florida. The company was using the cutouts in an advertising campaign to sell iced coffee.

Ngo says Cumberland is flattered by the attention its ads featuring "the Hoff" are drawing. She's just asks anyone with a Hasselhoff to keep it safe.

Relatedly, Hasselhoff has been seen driving up and down the East Coast in a U-Haul.