Your NewYear’s resolutions — for others
In the spirit of tradition, we wanted to hear your resolutions for 2011. But in the spirit of revelry, we thought it would be more fun - and just as futile - if you made resolutions for other people, strangers and celebrities alike. Here are some from your wish list.
Here’s my resolution for ...
... my dog, Chase Muttley: I will never make my mom chase me around the house to take me out for my walk, and I will never, ever pee on her down comforter again! And I will stop eating my dad’s Vibram Five Fingers, because I know they’re expensive and his favorite shoes.
... people who promise to return calls and e-mails: Return calls and e-mails!
... people who say "it’s in the mail": Make sure it is.
... my former best gal pal and sometime partner/sweetie: Be my true friend and make amends.
... Justin Bieber: I will hit puberty.
... Lady Gaga: I will start wearing nonedible.
... Tim Burton: I will start making original movies again and stop ruining classics for the next generation.
... Mike “The Situation”: I will get a real job and leave my shirt on for more than 10 seconds at a time.
... President Obama: I will actually make the “change” that I promised.
... the local police: Resolve to help out those of us trying to stay fit (and alive) by actually enforcing speeding and yield-to-pedestrian laws.
... Charlie Sheen: I will stop drinking.
... Bruce Jenner: I will not get any more plastic surgery.
... Donald Trump: I will hire, not fire employees.
... Ryan Howard: I will not swing at bad pitches.
... Kanye West: I will not interrupt Taylor Swift giving an award speech.
... the Delaware River Port Authority: We will give drivers free rides on the bridge in 2011 — like they have given us ‘free rides’ for the past 20 years!
... the typical YouTube commenter: I’m going to use proper grammar and respect the opinions of others.
... the teachers at my school: I’m going to stop blatantly playing favorites.
... Stephenie Meyer: I’m going to stop writing books. That’ll do, Bella Swan, that’ll do.
... people who use their cell phones while driving: Because it is a dangerous habit as well as a complete annoyance, we will stop. We clearly cannot look at a keyboard and observe the road and pedestrians at the same time.