Scooters are coming to Philly. What’s next — unicycles? | Stu Bykofsky

Electric scooters? Really? That's the next locust wave that will crash on Philly?

It's happening elsewhere, so soon it will be our turn to deal with electric scooters.

We somehow managed to outlive roller blades — remember them? There's still a scattering of skateboards on our streets, but not so much the motorized ones that had the unhappy habit of exploding. So here come scooters, the latest mumble-hockey. What's next? Unicycles? If so, I hope wearing clown makeup is mandatory.

We don't have enough confusion and congestion with cars, taxis, buses, trucks, and bicycles? Our streets are already a Demolition Derby, so we need a new "vehicle" — and is a scooter classified as a vehicle, like a bike?

PennDot tells me it is a vehicle. That means scooters will have to observe all traffic regulations. You know, the way bicycles do.

The scooters are too fast for sidewalks and too slow for streets. They are even less practical than bikes, and more dangerous. As vehicles, they must be driven (or is that ridden?) only in the streets, not on the sidewalks.

We will need a scooter lane to go along with the bike lane.

The Bicycle Coalition of Greater Philadelphia says it likes scooters. Of course it does. Because they aren't cars. The coalition has a saying adapted from George Orwell's Animal Farm: "Two wheels good, four wheels bad."

A story Monday by my colleague Samantha Melamed asks if Philadelphia will be next to be swamped by scooters.

Of course Philadelphia will be next. Why should we be spared the jackassery that has slammed other cities?

It's as though people have forgotten why God gave them legs (no insult intended to atheists). Have we lost our ability to walk? If we stop using our legs, we'll lose them, like snakes.

Yes, yes, I know some of you are saying I'm the anti-bike guy, so now I'm the anti-scooter guy.

At least you don't look like a total goofball on a bike. If you are going to use a scooter, you must wear a propeller beanie.

And if scooters score, let's prepare for pogo sticks.

We are living in an era where there are no bad ideas, where every insanity can be excused under the banner of diversity. In this case, more transportation choice. As if scooters were a choice for other than the fringe.

Transportation choices seem to be rolling in reverse. For sure, someone is going to revive riding horseback, which might be a good thing in some ways. Such as bringing people closer to nature. And manure.

Why not horses? Did you hear Southwest Airlines says it will accept miniature horses as comfort animals on its flights? No, I am not horsing around.

I remember when Southwest was best known for funny announcements by its flight crew. Now it will take horses in addition to dogs and cats as comfort animals. It's not an airline, it's a petting zoo.

Facebook has given us 56 choices as to our gender, Southwest will fly horses as passenger companions, and cities are being invaded by scooters.

Someone is serving notice that we have officially lost our minds.

The story reports scooter purveyors often show up uninvited, like an invasive species, and seek approval from the city later. In some places vigilantes have set scooters afire or thrown them in the river.

I approve of neither tactic.

Given we are a free, capitalistic society, there's probably no way to keep them out.

Like winter, scooters are coming to Philadelphia.

Our only defense? Laugh like hell at anyone over the age of 12 riding one.