Joe Sixpack's beer year in review

JoePaternoBeer
Duquesne Brewing's Joe Paterno Legacy Series beer.

On the final day of 2015, I'm still not certain which was the worst beer development of the year: that sickly sweet root beer posing as an ale or a beer made with, I kid you not, semen.

Swallow hard: Here's my year in review... and my predictions for 2016.

February

  • Anheuser-Busch InBred, I mean InBev, releases Bud Light Mixxtail Firewalker, a high-alcohol premixed cinnamon-and-apple cocktail designed to be poured over ice. Coming next: Bud Light Syringe.

  • Stone Brewing pulls the plug on its poor-selling low-alcohol Levitation Ale. Coming next: The end of the stupid session beer fad.

March

  • Desperate to hold off State Store reform, the Pennsylvania Liquor Control Board suddenly decrees that - after 82 years on the books - the law requiring distributors to sell 24-bottle cases actually means they can carry popular 12-packs. Coming next: The LCB announces the "C" stands for "Cash."

  • A 64-year-old New Orleans man shoots his best friend with a shotgun for bringing him a Busch instead of a Budweiser. Coming next: Damn straight, it's gonna be a Bud.

June

  • Duquesne Brewing unveils Joe Paterno Legacy Series beer. Coming next: Chip Kelly Beer. It costs $40 million, but it doesn't give you the runs.

  • In a protest over Donald Trump's anti-Mexican remarks, a Chicago brewery renames the house beer it made for the Trump-owned Rebar restaurant, calling it Chinga Tu Pelo - Spanish for "F--- Your Hair." Coming next: President Trump reintroduces Prohibition in Chicago.

  • Carlsberg launches a line of men's grooming products, including shampoo and conditioner all made with beer. Coming next: Dogfish Head and Shoulders.

July

  • Navel-gazing craft-beer purists gulp down thousands of bottles of Not Your Father's Root Beer, a fizzy, artificially flavored, factory-made alcohol-delivery device that tastes nothing like beer. Coming next: Four Loko Double IPA.

  • Lululemon, the yoga-apparel retailer, introduces its own line of beer. Coming next: Corona issues a lawsuit claiming, "Yo, we own the copyright on overpriced see-through beer."

August

  • A Colorado brewery says it will begin selling Sativa IPA made with cannabis. Coming next: Sativa Session IPA, Sativa Black IPA, Sativa Belgian IPA...

  • A New Zealand pub begins selling a "milked" stout made with deer semen. Coming next: No, you can't get it in the can.

September

  • After selling half of his Lagunitas Brewing Co. of California to Heineken International, owner Tony Magee issues a 2,200-word Tumblr post, with references to Nietzsche and Heraclitus, denying that he's sold out and calling the deal "a wide staircase to the sky." Coming next: Magee appointed LCB chairman.

  • Taco Bell begins selling Dos Equis at one of its Chicago locations. Coming next: Mop-wielding fast-food workers demand $15 an hour, plus combat pay.

  • Numerous local brewers produce special papal beers for the historic visit of Pope Francis. Coming next: It doesn't work; they're all going to hell.

October

  • The world's largest brewing conglomerate, Anheuser-Busch InJustice, I mean InBev, buys SABMiller, the second biggest. Coming next: Everyone digs deeper.

  • * Anheuser-Busch InCubus, I mean InBev, agrees to pay Beck's beer drinkers up to $50 because the "imported" German beer is actually made in St. Louis. Coming next: Beck's drinkers blow their winnings on Red Stripe, an "imported" Jamaican beer brewed in Latrobe, Pa.

November

  • Importer Constellation Brands, with more money than God, shells out an obscene sum of $1 billion for California's smallish Ballast Point Brewery. Coming next: A high-priced hooker slips Constellation's CEO a roofie and steals his Rolex.

  • Sierra Nevada adds low-alcohol Otra Vez gose-style ale to its year-round lineup. Coming next: Joe Sixpack bashed for predicting the end of the stupid session beer fad.

  • Victory Brewing opens a new brewpub at its Parkesburg brewery. Coming next: Once-sleepy West Sadsbury Township announces property-tax rebates following a spike in traffic-fine collections.

December

  • Macro-brew extremists at Anheuser-Busch ISIS, I mean InBev, expand their craft-beer caliphate by taking over three small breweries in five days. Coming next: The Yuengling sisters, heirs to America's oldest brewery, are forced to wear burqas.

  • Thirty years after industry consolidation pushed the number of American breweries to under 100, the U.S. brewery count reached its highest level ever - 4,144 and counting. Coming next: Anheuser-Busch InControl - I mean - oh never mind...

"Joe Sixpack" is written by Don Russell. For more on the beer scene, download Bar Talk with Glen Macnow and Joe Sixpack, and sign up for his weekly email update at joesixpack.net. Email: joe@joesixpack.net.