The lowdown on wine labels

Buzz: How come wineries put so much useless information on the label?

Marnie: Some label statements are required by law, Buzz, such as where the grapes were grown and who made the wine. Others help distinguish that wine from other wines. This information could be grape varieties, style terms or vineyard names.

Buzz: That's what I said - useless information. All I want to know is what the wine tastes like, and that's the only thing the label doesn't tell me.

Marnie: Oh, I see. I'm not sure I'd call the information "useless," but I can understand why you might find the alphabet soup on many wine labels less than useful. The unfortunate truth is that wine labels are really written more for those in the wine trade.

Buzz: I think you wine experts just like making the rest of us feel stupid. Can't they just give us a break and say "big red" or "dry white" right on the label?

Marnie: It's not deliberate, Buzz. Wine labels are regulated and typically stick to factual information. Taste perceptions may seem more relevant to decision-making, but they are much more subjective. If wineries started labeling their wines as full-bodied or medium-bodied, who decides where to draw the line between the two?

Buzz: They could appoint a chief taster. I'll be the first one.

Marnie: Who'd hire you? Instead of subjective judgment, wineries give us concrete details that suggest what to expect indirectly. Unfortunately, this info requires some prior wine knowledge.

Buzz: So, is there a shortcut to finding the big, beefy reds I like?

Marnie: Sure. Look for red wines grown in warm, sunny places like Spain, California, Argentina or Australia. Then check the small print. Generally speaking, a wine with more than 13.5 percent alcohol will automatically be robust and full-bodied. Specific flavors can vary widely - from earthy and funky to spicy and jammy - but at least you'll know you're in the right ballpark.

Buzz: And this is the time of year I like to be in the ballpark, with a flask of burgundy.