John Buonviaggio, deal or no deal?

I've sunk into an abyss where people don't know the difference between macaroni and macramé and 8 percent of Americans report they have three nipples.

Joe Lorenzo, do you want the money or the mob?

I got a fever, and the only prescription is more game shows. They've grabbed me, and they won't let go until those writers and studios in Hollywood start making some real television again.

Howie Mandel's on a Million Dollar Mission, for goodness' sake! He's got 10 cases tomorrow filled with $1 million each on NBC's Deal or No Deal. Usually, there's only one.

Sure, that mission points to a dirty little secret about the four prime-time game shows with the four name hosts. But I don't care if none of the mostly average, overly ebullient contestants has ever won the top prize.

I like to see 'em sweat. And make stupid decisions and stand there befuddled, not knowing if a Gram-my statue resembles a gram-ophone or a megaphone. Not even knowing what a gramophone and a megaphone are.

The occasional celebrities are fun, too. The Smartest Man in America (IQ: 195) couldn't answer, "Who's on First?" Miss America 2007 didn't know who said, "Give me liberty or give me death."

I know what I want - death! That's what poor Joe Lorenzo got on NBC's 1 vs. 100, going from $250,000 to zero in a second. Even his gambling guardian angel, dear old dead Grandma Nunz, whose bowling towel he waved frantically throughout the proceedings, couldn't save him.

Most other contestants, like Buonviaggio, who settled for nearly $100,000 when the Deal deals started dropping, are smarter, taking some decent earnings, usually between $25,000 and $100,000, and stopping before the slowly building piles of money collapse.

Jamie Sadler, a 19-year-old University of Florida student, did win $1 million on the premiere of CBS's Power of 10 in August, correctly guessing that between 23 percent and 33 percent of American women consider themselves feminists. But he eschewed a shot at that show's $10 million top prize, the biggest regular prize in game show history.

Power of 10, which polls not only about nipples, but about how many people think they have good gaydar (61 percent) and other edgy subjects, has been shuffled into storage for now, trampled (by 745 percent) by American Idol. But Drew Carey will be back in prime time on Feb. 22 with The Price Is Right, and I'll be waiting for the clowns to come on down.

Carey, Mandel, Bob Saget (1 vs. 100) and Jeff Foxworthy (Fox's Are You Smarter Than a 5th Grader?) may not be Steve Martin, but they are not minor talents. Veteran comedians all, they can perform on stage without a net or a script (remember the writers' strike), they understand timing, and they can milk every $10,000 moment for its entertainment value.

Each has a different style. Carey bubbles, Foxworthy paces quietly, Mandel sympathizes earnestly, Saget cracks silly jokes. That smart guy who didn't know Abbott and Costello, Chris Langan of Montana, said he trained Arabians and quarter horses.

"How do you train a quarter of a horse?" Bob asked.

All the comics know the contestants and the money are the main thing, followed by the loud, strange noises, bright lights, and wildly cheering audiences that all the shows share.

Among the players, big and voluble is the norm for guys, so Mike Velardi, a jolly, rotund electrical inspector from Bartonsville, up in the Poconos, took a turn on Power of 10. Sadly, he went home with but $1,000, underestimating the number of Americans (59 percent) who think upgraded airport security is effective.

It's perky and emotional for the gals, and not being the shiniest car on the lot seems to help. No mega-mind, single mom Rosemarie Pesci couldn't figure out the Grammys. Not that 26 of the 100 opponents were any better - including such famous lights as Beauty and the Geek loser Richard Rubin, the buxom Dahm triplets, and Oscar the Grouch, who, on another episode, couldn't identify Dr. Jekyll's alter-ego.

These shows are as addictive as freebase and only slightly less damaging to the brain. And just when you're ready to get straight with those dancing fools Bruno and Carrie Ann, or a wholesome episode of Wife Swap over at game-free ABC, the moneylenders up the ante and pull you back in.

Foxworthy recently invited the Dallas Cowboys cheerleaders to help his contestants, and they definitely weren't smarter than fifth graders. Wednesday, Mandel puts all 26 of his drool-worthy briefcase models into bikinis.

He'll be swinging in a hammock, but I'll be hanging on for dear life, even though the show's a repeat. You can lock it in.

Studios and writers, please make a deal.

Jonathan Storm: Critiquing the Super Bowl Advertisements

During the Super Bowl tonight, Inquirer television critic Jonathan Storm will assess the advertisements at http://go.philly.com/ jonathanstorm