We will never know what it's like to live forever, but we can at least get a taste of what eternity feels like with Immortals. The last time something this big and bloated moved this slowly was during one of the ice ages.
It's surprising the movie is so bad. It comes from Mark Canton and Gianni Nunnari, producers of the spirited 300, and was directed by the visionary Tarsem Singh. The difference is that both 300, based on the work of Frank Miller, and Singh's past movies, such as the magnificent The Fall, had strong stories. This script has all the depth of a manhole cover.
Theseus (Henry Cavill) must rally the troops to stop the evil King Hyperion (Mickey Rourke) from wiping out most of Greece (not unlike that country's current financial woes) with help from a handful of gods: Zeus (Luke Evans), Athena (Isabel Lucas), and Poseidon (Kellan Lutz). There are some plot elements about a magic bow and arrow and a group of oracles who look like Justin Bieber backup dancers, but this is a one-note story that never resonates, either on a personal or heroic level.
Given the weak plot, there might have been some leeway if the casting, direction, and costuming weren't so ludicrous. Rourke, who looks more like a homeless man than a menacing king, and Stephen Dorff bring too much of a contemporary feel to the roles to make them believable as ancient characters.