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The Three Musketeers

Directed by Paul W.S. Anderson. With Logan Lerman, Milla Jovovich, Matthew Macfadyen, Ray Stevenson, Luke Evans, and Mads Mikkelsen. Distributed by Summit Entertainment. 1 hr. 50 PG-13 (adventure action and violence). Playing at: area theaters.

Whatever your relationship (ardent, platonic, nonexistent) to the Alexandre Dumas story about Athos, Porthos, Aramis, and the lionhearted musketeer intern, D'Artagnan, there's a word for the latest screen edition of The Three Musketeers: whatthehell?

The 1844 Dumas adventure classic is now a steampunk'd migraine. Clashing swords - 3-D swords in your face! - purloined jewels, and court intrigues no longer suffice. This movie exists for its digital airborne sailing vessels and deadly retro-futuristic flamethrowers.

Somewhere in there you'll find a trio of cynical, out-of-work musketeers, the casualties of "budget cuts," as one of them notes early on. "I thought you'd all be a little more . . . heroic," says D'Artagnan, played by a haircut in search of an actor in search of a performance named Logan Lerman.

In the prologue Athos (Matthew Macfadyen), Aramis (Luke Evans), and Porthos (Ray Stevenson) sneak into Venice on a special-ops mission. Their accomplice, Milady de Winter, is played by Milla Jovovich, who is married to the director, which explains that. Soon she betrays the lot, allying herself with Cardinal Richelieu on the one hand and the Duke of Buckingham on the other.

Rewatch the 1974 Richard Lester Three Musketeers sometime. That impudent entertainment, both plush and merrily slapdash, had little to do with Dumas, but it had a spark to call its own. This latest version is "le pits."

- Michael Phillips
Chicago Tribune