‘Machete’ is a Bloody mess

If you think there's nothing new to add to the immigration debate, you have not seen "Machete."

I don't think Robert Rodriguez's movie advances the dialogue very much (in fact, it probably moves it back a peg or two), but it does have something to add - the naked bodies of Jessica Alba and Lindsay Lohan, and the virtually nude figure of Michelle Rodriguez.

And it does raise some interesting questions. None connected with immigration, but interesting nonetheless. Where does a naked woman keep her cell phone? How long is the gastrointestinal tract, and what are its possible uses in a gunfight?

As for answers, here's one: 10. The number of heads, roughly, Danny Trejo severs (and he severs them roughly) as the title character in "Machete." He plays an ex-federale now caught up in a conspiracy involving a Mexican drug lord (Steven Seagal), a border vigilante (Don Johnson) and a racist Texas politician (Robert De Niro).

Yes, Robert De Niro. In the same movie as Steven Seagal and all those naked lades. It was Rodriguez's evident intention to make the most tasteless, weirdly cast, wildly irresponsible grindhouse movie of the year, and he's succeeded.

Everybody clowns around, but not everything's as funny as Rodriguez thinks it is. He's a talented recycler of B-movie trash, but he's not enough of an ironist to get away with having De Niro shoot a pregnant Mexican illegal immigrant at a border crossing.

A Mel Gibsonesque crucifixion scene featuring Cheech Marin also felt misjudged, even in the anything-goes context of "Machete."

Then there's the finale, a race war showdown between racist militiamen and an army of Mexican lowriders. It seems inflammatory, and not just because everything blew up.

On the other hand, there are jokes that kill, pardon the pun. As Machete gets rid of the bad guys one by one by 10, he finds his most effective ruse is to walk into armed compounds posing as a gardener, dispatching henchmen with weed-whackers and shears.

And Seagal's performance during his ultimate showdown with Machete is as almost funny as his hairpiece.