Along with dead-baby jokes and shaggy-dog stories, no one can spin the classic, tasteless tale of "The Aristocrats" like Gilbert Gottfried.

If he has the crowd in half as many stitches as the audience he regaled with the latter at a Hugh Hefner roast back in 2001, it'll be a nonstop riot when Gottfried appears at Helium Comedy Club (2031 Sansom St.) on Thursday, Friday and Saturday.

I interviewed Gottfried recently and asked the comedian, actor and voice artist what we can expect.

"You can expect to sit there for about five minutes, turn to the person sitting next to you and go, 'Whose idea was it to see Gilbert Gottfried?' and then leave - either loudly or quietly sneak out," he laughed.

Seriously, folks, consider yourself warned: Gottfried plans to put aside all political correctness when he performs here, so expect an onslaught of jokes that know no bounds.

In addition to his stand-up, Gottfried does a weekly podcast featuring various comedians.

He said that one of his favorite things to do in Philly is to stop by the Italian Market.

OUT AND ABOUT * 

For the third year in a row, Paula Abdul attended the Wigs and Wishes benefit at Lucien's Manor (81 W. White Horse Pike, Berlin, N.J.) on Sunday. Celebrity stylist and hair-salon owner Martino Cartier hosted the event to raise awareness and funds for the nonprofit Friends Are By Your Side, a children's cancer charity. Proceeds from the evening's festivities will help pay for human-hair wigs and hair-enhancement solutions for women and children battling cancer. I'm told that Grammy-nominated Ruben Studdard accompanied Abdul and sang his single "Flying Without Wings," by the Irish boy band Westlife. Also reportedly in attendance were "Real Housewives of New York City" star Heather Thomson; her husband, Jonathan Schindler; former "Mob Wife" Alicia DiMichele; and Gayle Giacomo and Christy Pereira, of the now-defunct Style Network show "Jerseylicious." * Chelsea Clinton will be in town today to promote her new youth-empowerment book, It's Your World: Get Informed, Get Inspired, and Get Going. Clinton will visit the Food Trust's HYPE (which stands for "Healthy You. Positive Energy") youth leadership summit for middle-schoolers at the Palestra (223 S. 33rd St.), on the University of Pennsylvania's campus.

'Bizarre' Philly

"Bizarre Foods" host Andrew Zimmern celebrates the 200th episode of his franchise tonight at 8 on the Travel Channel with a special visit to Philadelphia, where he'll be seen trying all sorts of unique dishes, like the scrapple cheesesteak and Zitner's Butter Krak Eggs.

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