ASSUME the position. As in, are you sitting down?
Don't rule out seeing the one and only Andrew "Dice" Clay starring in an "Adventures of Ford Fairlane 2" in the near future.
The Diceman is back to enchant us tomorrow night at the Trocadero (1003 Arch St.) and he's pulling no punches. But first - we give thanks to humble beginnings.
"Whenever I meet someone from Philly, I say, it's your city that made me a star," Clay told me in a recent interview.
"I was building a following there before anybody knew who I was."
Clay has deep roots in our City of Brotherly Love. He did gigs at the TLA (334 South St.) and not long after graduated to becoming an arena comic. He sold out the Spectrum three times. And when it came time for Clay to do his own comedy special, "The Diceman Cometh," producers asked him where he wanted to film and he said, you guessed it - Philadelphia.
"Philly audiences and Philly people are just as aggressive and crazy as New Yorkers, but when they come to see me perform, they're more respectful about it in the audience," Clay told me.
"It's not a drunk standing up in the middle of doing a special and just screaming his own name."
He's taken under his wing the lovely Eleanor Kerrigan, who appears on "The Blue Show," a Showtime comedy special. Kerrigan will open for Clay when he plays tomorrow night at the Troc. He calls her the best female stand-up he's seen in many years.
In addition to touring, Clay told me that he is returning to television. He's starring in a new series on Showtime, "Dice," with the help of some of the best writers from the hit movies "Old School" and "Hangover 2." The new semi-autobiographical series is slated for a 2016 premiere.
As for his characteristic tough-guy image, it doesn't appear that Clay has changed much. He told me he quit cigarettes for about 10 years but is back to his trademark chain smoking. (Hey, it doesn't hurt the act.)
"It's amazing in Hollywood," he said. "When they want to build you, they build you, and that's it. I'll be on HBO and Showtime at the same time."
Clay has a cameo in the new "Entourage" movie, which segued me into asking about the future of a "Ford Fairlane 2" . . .
"Nothing's impossible," he said. "Right now, the powers that be in Hollywood, for whatever reason - since I did 'Entourage' - it's very possible there could be a 'Ford Fairlane 2.' There is talk about it. So I can't get fat."
Clay credited Jerry Seinfeld with being the greatest comic in the world. He said that he goofs on him when they're on the phone together.
"I said stop dressing like an accountant, you're Seinfeld," he said, and challenged Jerry to go head-to-head on stand-up.
"Dirty versus clean. Him and me," he said.
"Dice" airs sometime in the beginning of 2016, when he intends to sell out the Wells Fargo Center and Madison Square Garden. Then tour the country again.
Philly native comedian Michael Paul Ziegfeld has a new book coming out.
He swung through Philly last week to do some book press and had a spot at the Comedy Cabaret (11580 Roosevelt Blvd.) in the Northeast on Saturday.
Now, he's pushing his new book with a hilarious title: Breaking Out of Show Business: What I've Discovered by Not Being Discovered.
"The new book is a gem in storytelling that will finally win him that fame - as an author," said the illustrious Robin Leach, champagne-popper of "Lifestyles of the Rich & Famous."
As a teenager, Ziegfeld started out at WPHL and KYW for his first jobs in the biz, and later cut his teeth at The Comedy Works (1320 Newport Road, Bristol) and the Comedy Cabaret.
"Philly's 'Dancin' On Air' and 'Evening Magazine,' Newstalk 1210 and Lily Langtry's dinner theater were my first jobs in show business," he told me.
"Calling it quits almost 25 years later alongside Oscar winners, music icons and money moguls, I was asked to write this book."
Several readers have asked me lately what's up with Lisa Thomas-Laury, from Channel 6's "Action News."
Some know that sometime around 2005, Laury was diagnosed with POEMS Syndrome, a disease that afflicts the organs and can cause nerve damage, hormonal imbalances and skin changes.
You may have noticed her absence in recent months from "Action News," and now we know that she underwent a second bone-marrow transplant in early April at the renowned Mayo Clinic, in Rochester, Minn. Her first was in 2004.
"I am slowly getting stronger following my second bone-marrow transplant in 10 years," Thomas-Laury told me.
"I expect to be away from work for at least several more months, but am fortunate that my illness, POEMS syndrome, has remained in remission for so long. I am also so very appreciative of the thousands of prayers and well wishes I've received from viewers and friends in the tri-state area."
On Twitter: @PhillyGossipDN