Clooney to wed in Venice this weekend

IF YOU'RE reading this, you now know for certain your invitation got lost in the mail. Don't feel alone. So did mine.

As 150 who's whos of boldface names - apparently Angelina Jolie, Brad Pitt, Mrs. and Mr. Cindy Crawford, Andrea Bocelli and Bono, and, sigh, Matt Damon - gather in Venice, Italy, for the weekend-long (really long-weekend, not to mention long-awaited) wedding of one Mr. George Clooney to some Ms. Amal Alamuddin, you and Temporary Tattle have no choice but to register complaints to the U.S. Postal Service.

The celebration starts tomorrow. The vows themselves take place Monday. Guests will split time between the Hotel Cipriani, on lil' Giudecca island, and Aman Resort, on the Grand Canal, which, somehow, has managed to score a seven-star rating. Seven. Canals will become celeb-only.

Somehow, we'd like to imagine Brangelina in the back of a gondola, griping about the chicken-or-fish option while fighting off paparazzi. Instead, they'll prolly be popping Jordan almonds and toasting another luxe weekend far, far away from the brood.

As for you and me? We'll have plenty of time to review some background while in line at the post office:

This will be the second marriage for Clooney, 53. Best known for his roles in "ER" and "Ocean's Eleven," plus some stuff that earned him Oscars, and that time when he played a hunky handyguy on "Facts of Life," he was hitched during the big-hair years of '89 to '93 to actor Talia Balsam, wife (and, on-screen, on "Mad Men," ex-wife, Mona) of John Slattery.

Post-future Mona, Clooney spent decades dating a string of statuesque starlets with both acting - Renee Zellweger, Kelly Preston - and wrestling-ring - WWE diva Stacy Keibler - cred.

Only one lucky lady got the ring itself.

Alamuddin, 36, is a Lebanon-born, Brit-bred human-rights attorney whose client list includes WikiLeaks founder Julian Assange and former Ukrainian prime minister Yulia Tymoshenko.

Let's call her a top-rate barrister with some amazing hair.

The groom will wear Armani, made by Armani himself. The bride will don Alexander McQueen by Sarah Burton, design-maker of Kate Middleton's dress.

Look on the bright side: We'll be much more comfortable in outfitted by Gap Outlet.

Some guys just get started later than others. The Internet agrees: Tyler Perry and girlfriend Gelila Bekele are expecting. They might even be in their third trimester.

He's 45. She's 28.

He's a multimillionaire. She's a model.

He's besties with Oprah Winfrey. She's gonna have a really nice baby shower.

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