NBC-TV is about to ruin, sully, profane, despoil, desecrate, devour, and utterly destroy the memory of the brilliant, literate-yet-gritty, exciting British police show Prime Suspect with an American remake. (I warn you, I'll use as many adjectives as it takes.)

Created by Pulitzer-worthy writer Lynda La Plante, PS aired in seven mini-series-length editions from '91 to '06. It starred the incomparable Helen Mirren as Jane Tennison, a very un-glam detective whose rise in the ranks rankles her male colleagues. Never one for happiness, Jane nurtures a killer case of alcoholism. (Can you see a Tinseltown star as a suicidal alcoholic on network TV?)

"We want to carefully choose a couple of iconic titles this year to reinvent," says NBC big shot Angela Bromstad. Without a Trace creator Hank Steinberg will write a two-hour pilot.

Babies for two Philly broadcasters

Congratulations to Fox 29 Good Day Philadelphia coanchor Sheinelle Jones and her hubby, Uche Ojeh, on the birth of their baby boy. The baby, whose name has yet to be announced, weighed in at 6 pounds, 10 ounces and is 20 inches, the station reports. Jones and Ojeh wed in September '07.

And Tamala Edwards, who coanchors the morning report on 6ABC, gave birth to her first baby Monday night. Rocco Alexander Edwards Lugrine is named after his dad (he's a fifth-generation Rocco), weighed in at 6 pounds, 7 ounces, and is 18 inches.

Osama s Whitney

In a chat with Perez Hilton (http://perezhilton.com), Sudanese novelist Kola Boof says Osama bin Laden seriously digs Whitney Houston.

"[Her] name was the one that would be mentioned constantly. How beautiful she was, what a nice smile she has, how truly Islamic she is but is just brainwashed by American culture and by her husband Bobby Brown," Boof says. She adds that Osama, whose TV faves include The Wonder Years, Miami Vice, and MacGyver, said he'd be willing to make Whit one of his wives.

How does Boof know these dark secrets? She says Osama kept her as his sex slave in Morocco for four months in '99. There's, um, been no comment from Whit or Osama.

Loeb's greatest song

Warbler Lisa Loeb, who made history in '94 when her tune "Stay (I Missed You)" became a No. 1 hit before LL was signed to a record company, has accomplished another first: People mag says Lisa, 41, and hubby Roey Hershkovitz, 31, are expecting their first child. The couple met in '06 and wed on Jan. 8.

Chris Brown's shame

In an "exclusive!" interview with People, Chris Brown says he was so remorseful after assaulting his gf Rihanna that he immediately put pen to paper. "I . . . wrote a song for her called 'Changed Man,' explaining how when we were apart it took a toll on me," he says.

Brown, who says it will be hard to stay away from R during his five years of probation, confides, "I feel remorse every day. I'm very ashamed. But it doesn't define me."

Meanwhile, police in Richmond, Va., say Brown, whose sentence also includes six months of community labor and a year of domestic violence counseling, will do his service removing graffiti and picking up trash and washing cars.

Justin - what a guy!

Justin Timberlake proved he's One Cool Dude Tuesday when he gave everyone at a Palazzo Las Vegas club a free drink. JT, there with a few pals and his long-term gf Jessica Biel (Why, Jess? Why?), was celebrating the launch of his very own booze brand, 901 Tequila. (Have a visual taste at www.901.com.) "We should all believe in something, and I believe it's time for another shot of tequila," the "Cry Me a River" singer said, offering more booze to adoring clubgoers.

Bilious bloviation from Jon Gosselin

More newsworthy bile from Jon Gosselin directed at the mother of his eight kids, Kate.

"I took a lot of abuse from her. I was put down," JG says in a chat with ABC's Chris Cuomo to air Tuesday and Wednesday on Good Morning America and Tuesday on Primetime: Family Secrets.

"She'll call me, almost like a lame fish. Like I wasn't going anywhere," he says. Poor Jon! )–:

"Well, excuse me, I'm taking care of the kids" while Kate whoops it up "on book tours" (that literate hussy!).

Yo, dude, what about the babes you're seeing?

Will your dog be the next Barrymore?

Does your dog yearn to become a star of stage and screen? Then you're in luck: The Walnut Street Theatre seeks a dog for its production of Oliver! The pooch can be male or female, should have white fur, and must be an English or American Staffordshire terrier, English or American bulldog, American pit bull terrier, or a mix. Prepare your doggy for an audition Sept. 15 at the theater at 825 Walnut St. For an audition appointment, email WSTOliverCasting@gmail.com.

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Contact "SideShow" at sideshow@phillynews.com. This column contains information from Inquirer wire services.