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Ask Amy: Husband says the spark is gone

Dear Amy: I have been married for 20 years.

Six months ago my husband announced that while he loves me he isn't "in love" with me anymore. He says there is no "spark" and he isn't sure he wants to be married.

This news was devastating.

I love my husband and love our life with our three kids.

We went to marriage counseling a couple of times, but my husband did not want to keep going because he didn't want me to have "false hope" and he couldn't commit to working to save the marriage when he wasn't sure he wanted to be in it.

I went by myself to our counselor, who advised me to be patient and to wait until my husband could commit to our relationship. She said I should assure him that I would be there for him no matter how long he needed.

The stress and constant uncertainty about our future are taking a huge toll, both physically and emotionally.

I am starting to crack around the edges. Keeping the facade of a happy home life with our children, family, and friends is exhausting.

I worry that if I push my husband or try too hard, he will leave. I worry that if I don't keep trying so hard, he will leave.

What should I do?

- Sad Wife

Dear Sad: I hate to second-guess your counselor, but in my view your counseling should focus more on your feelings, stress, and sadness - and less on how to maintain the limbo state in your home.

If you manage to keep your husband in your home at this superficial level but crack under the pressure, your children will be denied an emotionally healthy mother.

Your goal should be to live an authentic and balanced life while not being the embarrassing object of your husband's indecision.

You might have to do the most difficult thing here and tell your husband that if he has no commitment to be in the marriage, then it's time to try a separation.

Your family's geometry may change, but your children can do well if you are calm, constant, and consistently there for them.


Send questions via e-mail to askamy@tribune.com or by mail to "Ask Amy," Chicago Tribune, TT500, 435 N. Michigan Ave., Chicago, Ill. 60611.
Comments   
Posted 08:59 AM, 11/09/2009
lulu
Good advice. Also, usually "the spark" being extinguished has to do with a third party. I bet he is either ineterested in someone else, in the flirtation stage with someone else or already involved with another. Demand to know the truth about the situation, then do what is best for you and the children.
Posted 11:29 AM, 11/09/2009
jcpaul
Sounds like the Husband is being "brutally" honest about how he feels. The "spark" needs to go both ways. If he is constantly the "sparker", and the flame doesn't light the candle, well, eventually the flint wears out.
Posted 12:17 PM, 11/09/2009
TheDude
The most powerfull position is on your knees.
Posted 01:05 PM, 11/09/2009
Beauty
Sometimes in a situation such as this a person may forget their selfworth and feel helpless and at the emotional mercy of the other person.- if at all possible i think you should ask for a trail seperation and work on yourself instead of living in hopes that your husband will have a change of heart. let go and take care of yourself and your children...
Posted 03:22 PM, 11/09/2009
ofinterestinphilly
Man how I can relate to this letter. My husband and I have been married for 15 years too with 2 sets of kids, none together and I fell like this man. I don't want to have to pay all the bills, that's why I stay but it's exhausting emotionally and now physically to have a house with no laugter, no intimacy, no fun, nobody wanting to visit and even going to the same church. The strain of putting on the face is enough. What happens though TheDude when you get up and the other person hasn't changed and don't want to? I need help too with this letter
Posted 03:49 PM, 11/09/2009
ilovesalad
He's cheating dummmy.
Posted 07:19 PM, 11/09/2009
LeftField
I don't understand that counselor. You should definitely change counseling. You cannot go to the counselor who you and your husband were seeing together. The counselor should have excused him/herself and referred you to a colleague, that would be the ethical thing to do. Individual counseling is about your mental health so go find someone else, who focuses on you.
Posted 07:23 PM, 11/09/2009
LeftField
I don't understand that counselor. You should definitely change counseling. You cannot go to the counselor who you and your husband were seeing together. The counselor should have excused him/herself and referred you to a colleague, that would be the ethical thing to do. Individual counseling is about your mental health so go find someone else, who focuses on you.
Posted 07:58 PM, 11/09/2009
phillyjeffsr
This is what happens when the wife becomes a mom. Not in the literal sense but the emotional sense. We are now indoctrinated to smother and overprotect our precious little snowflakes that it becomes almost impossible to feel any passion for each other. My wife and I talk about this all the time. She has become mommy and no longer my wife. If you can't handle both, the relationship will fail. I love my kids with all my heart, and do and will do everything I need to do to support, protect, and nurture them, but I and all of us need to realize that we HAVE to leave times for ourselves to keep a healthy and passionate marriage. And besides, maybe the wife cut her hair and put on a few pounds - that will kill it too.
Posted 10:13 PM, 11/09/2009
Wolflh
The guy has definitely met someone else. Otherwise, he would be willing to try to work on the marriage.
Posted 02:59 PM, 11/10/2009
Chaz2008
You need more information from him. Why does he feel this way? What has changed. Also look for the subtle signs of cheating, going out more "with the guys". Dressing up to go out, cologne, etc. Im not saying he's cheating but its possible. Its also possible that his feelings have changed and he is legitimately trying to get out of the relationship. You need to dig deeper girlfriend........
Comment removed.
Posted 09:13 PM, 11/10/2009
JRadek
I don't think he's cheating. I think she's frigid and has shot him down 1000s of times over the years. He's probably reaching middle age and has decided he wants and deserves better. When a guys says "the spark is gone" it means "my needs aren't being met", not "I'm cheating".
Posted 08:05 PM, 11/11/2009
Flyers75
phillyjeffsr- I agree 100%... sad but true.
Posted 09:15 PM, 11/11/2009
viccola
phillyjeffsr... you should try being a wife and a mother and hold up a career all at the same time. Don't think it's cool to throw in the towel over a few extra pounds either. Being a woman is rough. When you take your vows it's "for better or for worse,"not "for better or for worse as long as you look as hot as you did when you were 25." Complaining about not having time together is one thing, but complaining about a haircut and weight gain? That's just unrealistic expectations, and it's just unfair to the woman who gave you your children.
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