Saturday, August 30, 2014
Inquirer Daily News

Tell Me About It: She's not feeling motherhood's joy

Adapted from a recent online discussion.

Question: My husband and I always wanted children, and six months ago we were blessed with a wonderful, healthy baby girl. I love her to pieces, but whenever someone asks how I am "enjoying" motherhood, I guess the answer is - not all that much.

My husband and I had such a great life before this, and now I feel sucked into this vortex of constant, constant care that is mentally and physically draining. Yes, there are moments of joy, but most of the time is just a grind, mixed in with intense bouts of worry.

I do stay home with her full time and work from home part time, but my husband is extremely hands-on, and we have family nearby who will happily give us the occasional break. I know how incredibly lucky I am, especially to have a healthy child, but I sometimes fantasize about an alternate life of just my husband and me, traveling, going out to dinner, enjoying life as a couple for the rest of our lives.

I guess I'm just surprised that actually having a kid isn't what I expected. Does this change as they get older? What is wrong with me that I don't seem to be enjoying this?

For what it's worth, I don't have postpartum depression, and am very loving with my daughter. I just haven't seen much out there about these types of feelings, and wonder if (and hope!) it gets better.

Answer: Your feelings are totally normal, and I'm sorry you haven't found someone you can confide in about the numbing grind of baby care. It's hard. Harder for some than others, and some babies are harder than others, but there's little that's easy about having someone depend on you constantly and completely.

So that's the first thing I'd suggest - finding a sympathetic ear anywhere from old friends to a new moms' group, by putting out feelers to see if you can safely talk about this.

You do have to be careful, because your very real feelings have the very real potential to upset, even offend, someone who has infertility problems unknown to you, or who lost a baby.

I don't say this to discourage you from speaking up - the feelings of both parties are valid - just to explain why discretion matters.

As for your other questions:

Change is guaranteed - and yes, generally for the better. What an infant gives back to you is often very abstract. What a 10-year-old gives you is conversation, belly laughs, a new view of the world (and stinky socks and scares from which you think you'll never recover, but typically more of the good stuff than bad).

So hang in there. Travel and dinners aren't dead, they're just on hiatus. Meantime, take those family-offered breaks, and savor them.

 


tellme@washpost.com

Chat with Carolyn Hax online at noon Fridays at www.washingtonpost.com.

 

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