Tell Me About It: A sister she couldn't count on

Question:

I'm getting a dose of reality. I'm divorcing my husband (of 23 years) seven years after the affair and sitting unhappily on the fence. My sister has always been my best friend, with whom I could share it all ... but the blinders about reciprocity, support, and validation are slipping off.

What kind of sister would hear stories of the packed getaway suitcase stashed in the garage in case of a needed escape and not say, "You need to get out of this relationship"? What kind of sister would take my call from the emergency room, hear the story of husband loading a gun and say, "No, don't tell Dad; don't get a divorce"?

Answer: It took your 23d year of marriage to create the circumstances that shoved you out of what I suspect is a lifelong pattern of self-abnegation.

Why do I suspect that? Your sister. Her responses to you say she was cast in the same don't-upset-any-authority-figures mold you were.

This kind of emotional training can easily be mistaken for a dedication to "family" - which would then lead you to assume your loved ones were invested in your best interests.

Try just applying at face value what people reveal about themselves. Specifically, go into any dealings with your husband and sister - or, heck, just about anyone else - with the understanding that they're inclined to see things their way, not yours. That way, instead of trusting others to guide or care for you, you trust them merely to be themselves, good and bad, and trust yourself to serve as your own best friend. It's from that vantage point that you'll be able to see who really has your interests at heart.