Tell Me About It: Hostile guy is no friend

Adapted from a recent online discussion.

Question: I've been trying for a few years now to maintain a friendship with my ex from high school. We're in our late 20s now.

He's not a bad guy, and he talks a lot about how much I mean to him, but in practice, he seems completely uninterested in the "being friends" part. He does things that really bother me, seemingly on purpose; for example, he makes uncomfortable comments about my appearance, starts arguments with my husband, attacks our lifestyle, and takes my picture when I've explicitly asked him not to.

A couple of times I've confronted him about how alienating his behavior is. He won't acknowledge any wrongdoing but also refuses to give me any distance because of how "important" I am to him. I'm at wits' end. It's like he views my friendship as a trophy for how nice and well-adjusted he is as opposed to a relationship requiring work and respect. Is there any way to fix this?

Answer: Yes. Stop pretending you're friends.

Q: And when he asks me why I'm not keeping in touch anymore? I would love to cut off all contact but it's going to be awkward; we have a lot of friends in common, and he's not one to just let things die quietly.

A: "Well, Fred, I haven't called because you routinely insult me, argue with Phil, and attack our lifestyle, and when I call you on it, you refuse to admit fault. So, I'm done. Please respect that."

Then do not cave. Just by keeping this guy in your life, you're saying awkwardness is worse than keeping an insulting, argumentative, and disrespectful person as a friend. It's not.

If he pressures you or makes a scene, then don't have any of it. Walk away. He apparently has no trouble reading your reluctance to tell him to shove it; he "refuses to give me any distance" because you let him stay close.

Comment: Unless my Internet pipes are busted, I don't understand why a married couple allows an ex to visit so much that the ex feels free to humiliate her, argues with the husband, etc. And why does a married woman keep company with a man who keeps telling her how important she is to him?

A: Because she doesn't want to tell him to (buzz) off. That's powerful incentive for the nonconfrontational. I have to think her husband shares this trait.

You might want to duct-tape those Internet pipes anyway. You can never be too safe.