Sideshow: Nothing idle about Minaj-Carey battle

OK. Guess whom "SideShow" is imitating.

"Beeeeeep. Beeeeeep, beeeeeep."

The Road Runner? Star Wars' R2-D2? My Mother the Car?

No, no, and no. We're channeling the bleeps on American Idol now that Nicki Minaj, who can bench-press 350 pounds of foul language, is a judge on the show. Apparently, the feud between her and Mariah Carey (also a new judge) has been upgraded from a tropical storm to a hurricane. A trending video on YouTube shows Minaj on Tuesday, chucking *%#s at Carey, who may well be chucking back, though only Minaj is audible. Poor old Keith Urban is stuck between them, looking as if he's wishin' for a getaway horse. Never-say-I'll-ever-leave Idol veteran Randy Jackson, meanwhile, is trying to play the peacemaker. TMZ says Nicki and Mariah were disagreeing over a contestant's performance. Could be her-icane season if they stay!

Former

'N Sync

singer

Joey Fatone

used some bad language, too, though in a philosophical way, after being booted off that toe-tapping, kneecapping reality show

Dancing With the Stars,

all-star stars edition, Tuesday night. Said the sage Fatone, who came oh-so-close to being a dancing champion in his prior incarnation as a contestant, "[expletive meaning 'stuff'] happens." He and his pro dancer partner

Kym Johnson

were in the competition, along with the adorable, happy (maybe he's actually a puppy?) race-car driver and Mirrorball trophy winner

Helio Castroneves

and his pro partner,

Chelsie Hightower.

. . . In other

DWTS

news, returning contestant

Bristol Palin

told US Weekly Tuesday that her mama bear and ex-Alaska Gov.

Sarah Palin

is "way hotter than actress

Julianne Moore

." Moore won an Emmy for her portrayal of Sarah in the HBO made-for-TV movie

Game Change

. We all know the only one who ever, ever should play Sarah is Upper Darby's own

Tina Fey

.

Really

.

New York Times TV critic Neil Genzlinger wrote on Monday about what he called the overuse of the word really on scripted television. "I'm not talking about "Really?" as a request for more information or an expression of surprise," Genzlinger writes. "I'm referring to the more recent, faddish use of it: delivered with a high-pitched sneer to indicate a contempt so complete that it requires no clarification." The potential consequence of this twist? No less, the writer writes, "than undoing 2,000 years' worth of human progress." TV comic deity Jerry Seinfeld replied in a letter to the editor, which the Times published Tuesday. "Your Critic's Notebook column about the overuse of the term 'Really?' was so deeply vacuous that I couldn't help but feel that you have stepped into my area of expertise. Really, Neil? Really? You're upset about too many people saying, 'Really?' I mean, really." It is a fun thing to say, says Seinfeld, who then scolds Genzlinger for using the phrase "wrap your head around it." Says Seinfeld: "You crumbled a bit of civilization off there yourself.

Really."

Really, rumor should not be able to have it both ways, not if anyone cares about the hearts and health of

George Clooney

fans everywhere. First, we feel the need to disclose that Clooney makes some "SideShow" types swoon, especially when he smiles that old-time, Hollywood leading-man smile. Sigh. Is it any wonder that we wonder whether George and his longtime (for George, anyway) love interest,

Stacy Keibler,

former actress, model, and professional wrestler, are on or off? Life & Style says the couple are living together in that shacked-up kind of way. Yes, she has a rent-controlled apartment in West Hollywood - that she uses as storage space. Her clothes are at Georgie's. But then, that venerated gossip gazette the New York Daily News says the two are splittin'. "A source tells the Daily News'

» READ MORE: Confidenti@l

that after more than a year together, Clooney, 51, and Keibler, 32, could be ready to call it quits. 'They're barely talking,' a snitch reveals." Hey,

snitch

rhymes with what Mariah allegedly called Nicki in their

American Idol

snit-fit! Isn't it nice when celeb news all comes together?

So it was reported somewhere, where these things are reported, that Ashton Kutcher's house had been invaded. By a robber. With a gun. Except, not. Law enforcement sources tell TMZ that the 911 call regarding the supposed home break-in was bogus. The caller claimed s/he (such gender details were not in the story) was hiding in a bathroom in the former Mr. Demi Moore's house while the robber was outside shooting and hurting others. Authorities now say the report was actually what's called a "swatting" - in which a prank caller dials 911 and reports a serious crime, just to see what happens. And that, "SideShow" friends, is itself a crime. So the home invasion case is closed, and the swatting case is open. Can we say that swatting is just plain stupid? Ashton was not home at the time of the alleged incident. Maybe he was snapping pics with his Nikon.

The top spot on Billboard's Top 100 list this week goes to - rock-and-roll drum roll please - Maroon 5. The band, featuring the much-lusted-after lead singer and Voice star Adam Levine, has a big hit CD, One More Night. It's numero uno for the third week in a row. It beat out Gangnam Style by Korean rapper sensation Psy (we don't know why he's called Psy, oh my). Psy inched closer to being No. 1. Maybe this promised spasm of entertainment will put Psy on high: He promises to perform Gangnam Style (whose bizarre music/dance video has gone viral) "topless in a place where everyone can watch" should the song go to No. 1 on the Billboard Hot 100. Please, world, don't let that happen. Really.