Tell Me About It: She split with brother because of his 'wretched' gf

Adapted from a recent online discussion.

Question: My brother and his now-fiancee "ruined" my wedding day by (her) causing a huge scene at my reception. We never received apologies, and have heard they're telling people we exaggerated what happened that day, and that we're just as much to blame (completely false).

Since then, my brother became engaged to this wretched woman, and now wants me to help him prep for his big day. We haven't spoken much since my wedding. I can't get over that they won't even acknowledge wrongdoing.

At what point do you forgive, forget and "move on"? It feels as if that would be saying to them: "What you did is OK. All is forgiven." I ... just ... can't. I want back the (extremely close) relationship with my brother that I had before she entered the picture. But I feel all hope is gone.

Answer: With so little information I can only speculate, but the major attention-seeking behavior, the disinformation, and your brother's withdrawal from a close sibling relationship suggest he's in a relationship with an abusive woman.

So, while I get your despair and reluctance to lie ("All is forgiven"), I urge you to restart communication with your brother. Does he live close enough for you to buy him lunch?

Q: He lives a few minutes away. I've offered to get together for lunch, but since I refused to help him with wedding prep, I think a chance for reconciliation is gone.

What's worse: I've known this woman for six years, he's known her a year; they met at a party I took him to. I've seen her mentally/emotionally abuse other men, and I warned him that she would "act out" at the wedding.

I know divorce is in their future, but he'll need to learn the hard way. I realize the more I push him away, the tighter grasp she has on him.

A: That doesn't mean reconciliation isn't worth trying. There's just too much of a "harrumph" tone to giving up - with a pinch of I-told-him-so.

The central issue is your brother's well-being. Please try this: "Look, you might not want to talk to me since I refused to help, and maybe I shouldn't have - I'm still upset. What I really want is to talk to you. Meet for lunch?" Be the sib he can talk to honestly without fear of touching off a crudstorm.