Tell Me About It: A new half-sib? This possible sib wants a paternity test

Adapted from a recent online discussion.

Question: My 53-year-old dad might have fathered a child with his girlfriend, who is only five years older than I am, just prior to his divorce last year. I say "might" since his girlfriend was sleeping around at the time.

Nonetheless, my dad is raising this child as his own and is paying for everything, since his girlfriend is unemployed. He kept this a secret but now wants me and my siblings to meet and accept his girlfriend and baby.

I can't see myself outright rejecting a sibling if this child turns out to be his, but I think I need to know for sure before I know how much exposure I'm comfortable with. Would it be fair to ask my dad to take a paternity test?

Answer: Nope. Not at all. Not even remotely. As long as your father is raising this baby as his own child, this is your father's child - as surely as if he were adopting him or her. Plus, every baby is innocent of the circumstances of his or her birth. If there's deception, that only adds to the child's need for the love, acceptance, and support of a stable community.

So, you're either in or you're out.

The mother's age, by the way, and employment status and promiscuity, and your father's infidelity and secret-keeping, all are relevant only to your anger, and not to the worth and lovability of the child.

Q: One of my best friends has struggled for years with some very private and emotional issues that stem from some horrific childhood events. I have encouraged her to seek therapy for some time now since her struggles have progressed to a point that are beyond what her friends can help with.

I was thrilled that after months of encouragement she booked an appointment and saw a therapist that she said she connected with. But she has since canceled appointments and says she's not sure she wants to go back; she wants to "work things out on her own." I have encouraged her to go back at least one time, said how proud I am of her, but nothing is working and I am growing frustrated.

Do you have any advice about how to encourage a good friend to keep up therapy? I feel like being too pushy will have the opposite outcome.

A: "Months of encouragement" say you have encouraged her, likely to the full extent you can.

I do think it's always a friend's responsibility to point out when you think she's in real danger of hurting herself or others, which I hope it won't come to. Otherwise, all you can do is continue to say, when she looks to you for help, "I'm sorry, this is beyond my abilities," and hold that line. It's important not to be the outlet that she counts on to justify not sticking with professional help.