Tom Cruise and Katie Holmes put pedal to the metal to settle

Tattle was kind of hoping a contentious divorce between Tom Cruise and Katie Holmes would provide column fodder for the entire summer (like a Kardashian divorce except with people who do something), but the couple foiled our plans and reached a settlement on Monday, legally sorting out their divorce faster than Tom could jump on Oprah's couch.

So it should be clear to everyone that this was all worked out before they got married?

"The case has been settled and the agreement has been signed," Holmes' attorney, Jonathan Wolfe, said in a statement. Cruise's rep, Amanda Lundberg, confirmed the settlement.

"We are thrilled for Katie and her family and are excited to watch as she embarks on the next chapter of her life," the statement from Holmes' attorney said. "We thank Tom's counsel for their professionalism and diligence that helped bring about this speedy resolution."

In a joint statement, both Tom, 50, and Katie, 33, asked for privacy.

"We are committed to working together as parents to accomplish what is in our daughter Suri's best interests. We want to keep matters affecting our family private and express our respect for each other's commitment to each of our respective beliefs and support each other's roles as parents," read the statement from Lundberg and Holmes' rep, Nanci Ryder.

Interesting that when they were getting married they were anything but private.

As the tabloid media has come to grips with the end of TomKat, Katie has been portrayed as a sort of a fairy-tale princess locked away in a castle by some weird evil prince with magical powers.

Us Weekly reported that the couple "fought viciously" over Scientology parenting. A TMZ headline blared "Tom treated me like a robot." The New York Daily News trumpeted Holmes entering "a new phase."

(The Philadelphia Daily News plays the saxophone.)

One of Cruise's many lawyers, Bert Fields, has said they were letting "the other side play the media until they wear everyone out."

Good luck with that.

TATTBITS

Niagara Falls tightrope walker Nik Wallenda, a seventh-generation member of the world's most famous high-wire-act, said Monday that he will headline "Beyond the Falls … Nik Wallenda & The Wallenda Family Experience" at the Tropicana in Atlantic City from Aug. 12 through Sept. 22. He'll be joined by family members including his wife, Erendira; and his mother, Delilah, as well as an international cast of acrobats, aerialists and daredevils.

For more on Nik and his future challenges, see Chuck Darrow's blog atphilly.com/philly/blogs/casinotes.

Imprisoned Moroccan rapper Mouad Belghouat — known as El-Haqed, "The Enraged" (because angry rap is universal) — behind bars for writing a song alleging police corruption, has gone on a hunger strike to protest prison conditions, his brother said Monday.

Belghouat was convicted May 11 of "showing contempt" to public servants with his song "Dogs of the State."

One of the many great differences about the United States: Here you can write a newspaper article about police corruption and win the Pulitzer Prize.

"The Hunger Games" has bagged Academy Award winner Philip Seymour Hoffman (2005's "Capote"), who has joined the cast for part two in the futuristic adventure series, "The Hunger Games: Catching Fire."

Lionsgate Films announced Monday that Hoffman will play Plutarch Heavensbee, the new head game-maker overseeing an annual televised fight to the death staged by a repressive government in postapocalyptic North America.

Based on the middle book of Suzanne Collins' best-selling trilogy, "Catching Fire" hits theaters Nov. 22, 2013.

Longtime Riverdale High comic-book stars Archie, Betty, Veronica and resident boy genius Dilton Doiley will match wits — and maybe a vocal or two — with the likes of Finn Hudson, Kurt Hummel and Rachel Berry in the pages of Archie Comics, said Jon Goldwater, the co-CEO.

Goldwater unveiled the planned collaboration — dubbed "Archie Meets Glee" — on Monday, ahead of Wednesday's start of Comic-Con in San Diego.

He said the crossover between the Fox show and the comic book is set for late this year or in early 2013, and is being written by Roberto Aguirre-Sacasa, one of the TV show's writers. It features multiple characters from the long-running comic book and the Fox show. Dan Parent is illustrating the story.

If this leads to a "Glee" iTunes download of the show's previously unreleased "Sugar, Sugar," it will all be worth it.

Mick Brown, a drummer for bow-hunting rocker Ted Nugent, faces several charges after police in Bangor, Maine, say he was seen driving drunk in a golf cart stolen from a concert venue.

Officers working at Nugent's Sunday night concert were told that Brown was intoxicated, had stolen the cart and was driving it recklessly on a foot path. Police say that when officers tried to stop the cart, Brown sped past them and shoved a security officer. Two security officers then removed Brown from the cart, and he was arrested.

Brown was charged with driving under the influence of alcohol, driving to endanger, theft and assault. He was released on $4,000 bail.

Kourtney Kardashian has given birth to a girl and she's naming her Penelope.

That's Penelope with a "K."

The reality-TV star told E! News that her second child with boyfriend Scott Disick was born early Sunday at Cedars-Sinai Medical Center and weighed 7 pounds, 14 ounces. Her full name is Penelope Scotland Disick.

Would it surprise anyone if the reality empire continues with "Pooping with Penelope" on the new E! Infant network?