Readers on gaining strength through grief

While I'm away, readers give the advice.

On growing stronger through grief:

I was a young mom and really felt like I needed my mother more than ever. She gave me a great gift when she told me that she knew that I would be OK, and that it's normal to outlive your parents. It doesn't sound that profound, but I thought of it often - still do, in fact. I know that if she believed that I was strong enough, then I could be.

Over 30 years ago, my wife and I lost a baby just two weeks before his due date. We're still married, had other children, and life does go on. But I still stop by our baby's grave occasionally, by myself, and cry for him and for our loss. I am forever changed. I don't hear some stupid song on the radio and pull off the road to cry anymore, but I do read the news with more understanding, and, yes, occasionally cry over the pain others feel. Losing the tough-guy "That's just the way life is" exterior many of us men grow up with was hard, but I really don't want it back now.

On teaching as a Plan B for work in competitive fields:

There is nothing "wrong" with being a teacher - unless you would rather be doing something else. Teaching is a vocation, in music as much as math. Teaching music requires insight, patience, and a tolerance for the tortured sounds a classroom of novices produces. A performing musician may be able to tutor a talented student one-on-one, but a band director needs to have all the tools of any classroom teacher; the ability to demonstrate expertise on every instrument … and fix them as needed, sometimes with only duct tape and rubber bands at hand; conduct concerts several times a year; administer a program with costs in the thousands; and take attendance and turn in grades on time! Teach because you are passionate about spreading the joy of your field, not because you need a paycheck.

On sharing something with the "Don't tell anyone" caveat:

I can't even tell you how many sentences start out with "I am going to tell you something, but you have to promise not to tell anyone else." After a series of these conversations, I had had it. The next time someone said to me, "I have something to tell you … ," my response was, "If you can't keep your own secret, it's really unfair to burden me with it."

Those passing on "secret" information should remember that only your lawyer, doctor, therapist, and clergyman are obligated to keep your confidence.

E-mail Carolyn Hax at tellme@washpost.com, follow her on Facebook at www.facebook.com/carolyn.hax or chat with her online at noon Eastern time each Friday at www.washingtonpost.com.