Tell Me About It: New college grad gets job - but parents disapprove

Question:

I just got out of college. I have been job-hunting for months, and was recently given an opportunity. It's a small company that just started recently, so the salary is low and the commute takes a while, but I am excited to see a different aspect of the field I majored in.

Despite my joy, my parents don't seem too happy about it. They think it's not relevant or good enough, when it's actually a great opportunity to learn new skills. I've tried to reason with them that the pay will get better in a few months and that I can accomplish many things on the job, but they want me to find a "better" opportunity now. My mom even searched for jobs that I could have applied to instead, which offended me greatly, although I do not want to make the situation worse by telling them that.

I am just tired of the wave of disapprovals from my parents. Whenever I find something I truly want to pursue, they somehow get in the way, and I give up in fear of losing something bigger or making the situation worse. I've tried communicating my sentiments before, but they always dismiss them as excuses, which is really frustrating.

Answer: Your parents are responsible for their decision to criticize, but the criticism-avoidance strategy is your decision.

Your coping mechanism is to "give up in fear of . . . making the situation worse," or to carry on without telling your parents how you feel lest you "make the situation worse."

Perhaps it's time to make the situation worse. First, accept that the wave of disapproval is probably coming anyway, no matter what you do. Then, consider that the consequences of standing up to your parents might be an improvement on the consequences of not standing up to them - also known as "the life you're living now," where you let opportunities pass you by, swallow your feelings and await approval that never comes. It also sounds as if you have dabbled in standing up to them, so you know boldness won't solve anything in itself.

But your experience is telling you, too, that you need a different approach to standing up to them. Your parents think they know what's right for you, and you think you know what's right. That's why I suggest you grant them all of that "right" territory without argument, and embrace the value in being wrong. "You think this job's a mistake, I know, and you're probably right. But if you are, I'll get a great education - and if you're wrong, I'll have a great job."

Rewrite your definition of "good choice" as one that (1) stems from good intentions and (2) allows you to exercise and inform your own judgment. Period. No matter how it turns out. That way, even the missteps will go your way, whether your parents do or not.