Sideshow: Govinator's tell-almost-all memoir

To paraphrase

F. Scott Fitzgerald

, a genius is someone who can hold two opposing ideas in mind at the same time, who can flourish even when in the grips of paradox. Thus, we present the paradoxical title of a new celeb memoir,

Total Recall: My Unbelievably True Life Story

.

It can't be believed yet it's true! Such is the life of Arnold Schwarzenegger, who will release his memoirs next year. Anonymous Source tells People the tome is sadly only a selective, tell-some-but-not-all confession. It takes you to the scene of the Govinator's beatific birth in Thal, Austria, to the sweaty gyms where he pumped iron, to his movie sets, his govinatorial campaign, and his failed marriage to Maria Shriver.

Do Arnold's alleged myriad adulterous sexual adventures or his love child with maid Patty Baena make the cut? You'll have to buy it . . .

Justin Bieber

, 17, has posted a seriously odd photo collage on his InstaBieber page (created via the Instagram iPhone app), which shows the teen heartthrob and his alleged gf

Selena Gomez

, 18, in a pastoral setting surrounded by six babies - ostensibly it's a fantasy about the family the two child celebs will (?) plan to (?) already (?) have

. "Brangelina 2.0 hahahahahaha," says the caption. Celeb-blog Gawker says Bieber's rep confirms he created and posted the pic.

Levittown-born KYW-TV (CBS3) coanchor

Susan Barnett

and hub

Greg Persichetti

welcomed a girl Wednesday evening, KYW has announced.

Cruise Theresa Persichetti

weighed in at 6 pounds, 4 ounces and measures 19.5 inches. His name derives from Susan's mother's maiden name,

Cruise

, and Greg's grandmother

Theresa

, who turned 95 that very day. The baby joins two brothers, 14-month-old

Steele

and 4-year-old

Blase

.

Emily Deschanel

, 34, whose beguiling eyes, limpid pools of washed-out blue hues, invite hapless fans to dive . . . dive . . . dive into her soul, is a mom. She and hub,

It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia

's

David Hornsby

, on Wednesday welcomed their first child,

Henry

. Emily followed a strict vegan diet during her pregnancy. She and David celebrate their first wedding anniversary Sunday.

In a stirring artistic statement, the proudly portly British comic

Johnny Vegas

, 40, appears nude on Vanity Fair's cover in homage

to

Demi Moore

's 1991 pregnant-'n'-naked Vanity Fair cover. Johnny's rotund naked belly appears most pregnant (with meaning, not bairn).

As in the Annie Leibovitz-shot Demi pic, Johnny extends an arm of modesty over his breasts. And like Demi, he sports gold hoop earrings and a large diamond-ian ring.

Access Hollywood

and

Extra

news personality

Maria Menounos

, 33, tells

Drew Pinsky

on his new show,

Dr. Drew's Lifechangers

, that she and her beau, director

Keven Undergaro

, are freezing her eggs for future babymaking use. . . . Lifetime has axed

Roseanne Barr

's reality show,

Roseanne's Nuts

. Never fear, the Hollywood Reporter says, the famously shy, soft-spoken star has a new sitcom,

Downwardly Mobile

. . . .

Alias

smooth-dude

Victor Garber

will play Charlie's voice on the new

Charlie's Angels

.

Disgraced evangelical pastor

Ted Haggard

, who has admitted that in 2006 he paid a male hooker for sex and crystal meth, is taking his new nasty-celeb cred out for a spin: He and

Gary Busey

will swap wives -

Gayle Haggard

for Busey gf

Steffanie Sampson

- for ABC's reality series

Wife Swap

, the Washington Post says.

Hunkadelic Twilight lupine Taylor Lautner tells USA Today that although he and Phil Collins' daughter, actor Lily Collins, go at it like newlyweds on their new film Abduction, they're not dating. "[We] are really good friends," he says. . . . Scarlett Johansson, 26, and Kieran Culkin, 28, who were pals at their high school, the Professional Children's School in Manhattan, are (allegedly) getting hot 'n' heavy, People speculates. Why else would they share a stroll through Paris? They even flew out together after their Sept. 13 jaunt.

Stacy Keibler's ex-boyfriend Geoff Stults highly recommends the former wrestler for coupling duties with her new beau, Hollywood bachelor's bachelor George Clooney. "She would be everybody's best friend," Stults says. For her part, Stacy tells People that what turns her on the most is that her potential date be "polite," adding, "someone who is genuine and honest and someone who likes to have a great time no matter what they're doing."

Antonio Banderas

, 51, tells AARP The Magazine that he and

Melanie Griffith

have a strong marriage after 15 years, because they don't hide their problems. The most troubling? Melanie's well-publicized substance-abuse issues. (She's been in rehab thrice.)

"We've never hidden it. We've been open about addictions, in the case of Melanie," Banderas says. To lie, he says, is to destroy their kids' trust in them. "The pretending is the worst, because kids are so smart," says Banderas, who has a daughter, Stella, 15, with Melanie, and has helped raise the two kids she has from previous relationships, Alexander, 26, and Dakota, 21.