Tell Me About It: Friend is getting a swelled head

Question:

One of my dearest friends has been living abroad for the past three years teaching English. I am so proud of her for all she's accomplished, and so thrilled she's been able to see the world.

The problem is, every time she's returned home for summer vacations, I've noticed she thinks a lot more highly of herself, and it's not a healthy sort of confidence so much as a big fat ego. It's "her way or the highway," and I always used to think of her as so easygoing and understanding. She's made some insensitive, rude comments.

She probably has no idea she's behaving this way, but I don't know how to call her out on it without causing drama. How can I get my friend back?

Answer: You're "proud of her" - so you raised this friend yourself?

That whiff of condescension, and your hint of entitlement to have your friend in the form you prefer, and the suggestion that "easygoing and understanding" are the traits you miss the most, are three threads I'm going to embroider into a hunch: Is this someone who has looked up to you in the past, and sought your approval accordingly? And who is now road-testing her own sense of herself?

Maybe, maybe not. But it does appear as if you're appraising her ego display from the position of the disappointed elder.

Even if I'm wrong, the advice still applies: Don't try to get your old friend back. Instead, concentrate on the things you like about the new version. Take gentle exception to any rudeness on the spot - "Ouf, that's not fair" - but otherwise incline yourself to regard, then wait out, the sharp edges as part of the process of coming into one's own. Suppress the impulse to coach and reshape, and instead back off a bit.