Tell Me About It: Coping with a friend's marriage comparisons

Question:

I've been married for seven years. I've got a friend, "Stacy," who married last year after a whirlwind romance of about six months.

Stacy has a tendency to be pretty self-righteous and preachy. She has quickly developed a whole lot of theories about what makes a marriage successful, and has decided that she and her husband have the formula just right (they're still very much in the honeymoon phase).

More power to her, but she has actually begun comparing my marriage to hers, which she has determined is "healthier." Do you think all idealistic newlyweds start out that way, or should I be brainstorming a polite way to say, "Stuff a sock in it till you've been married longer than five minutes"?

Answer: Stacy is "pretty self-righteous and preachy" - so, Stacy isn't being an "idealistic newlywed," Stacy is just being Stacy. Even though her latest topic has hit a nerve, approach it with whatever "whatever" you've used with her in the past.

Question: My mom has been fighting cancer for the last 11 years, and now has stopped all treatments. In the midst of this, my older sister's wedding was moved forward to August (from January 2012) in hopes that my mom could be a part of the big day. We're all very happy about the decision.

Two weeks ago, I got engaged. Family and friends could not be happier.

My fiance and I are now expected to have our wedding soon after my sister's so that, again, my mom can be there. Because of scheduling circumstances, we cannot do it until Oct. 1.

I woke up this morning and thought, forget the bells and whistles and just have a private ceremony with immediate family only; save Oct. 1 for a party to celebrate with the rest of family and friends.

Have you heard of this working? Or does everyone become completely bitter that they weren't invited for the ceremony? My parents' friends, who eloped years ago, have never heard the end of it from their family.

Answer: If anyone gives you a hard time for choosing a small, quickie ceremony because otherwise you're afraid your cancer-stricken mother won't live to see your wedding, I don't have anything printable to say about them. Put together the prettiest little ceremony you can, for as soon as you can get key people together (after your sister's wedding, unless she urges you otherwise). Good luck and congratulations.