Tell Me About It: Move 'no toast' to end of this wedding's list of worries

Question:

My younger sister, who is my closest friend within the family, or so I thought, is getting married. She and her fiance are planning (and paying for) a big fancy wedding in a famous and spectacular location.

The problem? Nobody in my family is being asked to participate. In fact, I have been asked not to give a toast (as have all other guests). My sister and her fiance have decided to walk down the aisle together. My father is being completely excluded.

The thing is, the groom's family is participating in the ceremony. His sister has been asked to read two poems. When I suggested that my father read a poem, my sister said the groom's father might feel left out.

I have always included my sister, and she is close to and loving toward my small children. She has only four friends coming. Her other friends have all walked out on her because she doesn't give of herself. She just takes and takes.

But what is really irking me is this will cost me approximately $5,000 in travel, hotel expenses, and food - all to be left out in front of everyone.

I suspect the groom is a bully, trying to isolate her from me.

What do I do about the wedding and the cost of it? I can't believe I have to pay a huge bill only to get humiliated in front of everyone, along with my dad.

Answer: Wow.

Here are the concerns you raise: your and your family's public exclusion/humiliation, costs, your sister's "taker" tendencies and growing isolation, the possibly controlling groom, your diminished role in your sister's life.

I've listed them in descending order of the number of times you raise them. If repetition is emphasis, you are very, very concerned about looking bad in front of the other wedding guests.

But the possibility you're losing your sister to isolation and control is, judging by the weight you give it, a blip.

Maybe you're right that she is chiefly to blame for her isolation. Nevertheless, that the groom "won't let" your sister visit you without him is enough of an eyebrow-raiser that your sister's true best friend would have put it on the top of the list of things to lose sleep about.

Please ask yourself what source of wedding-related distress actually deserves your attention, and approach your sister solely about that. While you're at it, also ask yourself how close you are (and hope to be) to this sister, who has called you her best friend. Your relationship is riding on the battle you choose here. Maybe she needs you to care more about her right now, and less about where you fit in.