Sideshow: She was drunk; he's a gnat

Bristol Palin

- undone by wine coolers! (They still make those?) That proud daughter of

Sarah Palin

, in line to become America's first Royal Empress, reveals in her new memoir,

Not Afraid of Life: My Journey So Far,

that she was sloshed on the stuff when she lost her virginity to high school stud (and later dropout)

Levi Johnston

. Bristol, who valiantly waited till she was 20 to write her first memoir (some celebs pen 'em at 16 and 17!), was so coolered-up, she can't remember a blessed second of the sacred event. After that first time, the couple vowed to hold off until their wedding night - but were at it again before long, leading to the blessed making of baby

Tripp

. Bristol isn't exactly elegiacal when it comes to her baby's papa. Levi, she says, is a "gnat . . . [who was] constantly spreading false accusations against our family." (Levi has his own tell-all coming out.) Levi, she adds, "cheated on me about as frequently as he sharpened his hockey skates."

Ouch!

Guitarist

Leslie West

, 65, was recovering in a Biloxi, Miss., hospital Monday afternoon after doctors amputated part of his right leg in an emergency operation.

West and his act, Mountain, were in town to play the Hard Rock Hotel & Casino when on Saturday the diabetic noticed his leg had swelled. His rep Steve Karas says doctors told him they would have to amputate to save his life. He's expected to have a full recovery.

Olivier Desaintmartin

of Caribou Cafe on Walnut and Zinc on South Street was recently inducted into the Maîtres Cuisiniers de France! And now he gets an hour on the TV, 10 p.m. Tuesday on Food Network's series Chopped. His evil rivals are three NYC-based chefs:

Jonathan Doar

(Fishtail by David Burke),

Stephen Hartigan

(No More Take Out), and

Emily Sims

(Ici in Brooklyn). Judges are

Amanda Freitag

,

Aarón Sánchez

, and

Geoffrey Zakarian

.

- Michael Klein

Mel Gibson

, devoted father, Catholic artist, and (alleged)

Oksana Grigorieva

tormentor, has been struck by - a black-leather-clad, S&M-styled accessory-carrying,

Joy Division

- and

Cure

-spouting,

Siouxsie and the Banshees

-lusting -

Cupid

.

TMZ says he's dating one Stella Mouzi, a Greek national described as a goth model. (Goth, TMZ explains, is "a fetish catering to the dark realms of fantasy." Oooh la-la!)

A pinup-girl empire is all you need . . .

Monday was the day Crystal Harris went back to rejected fiance Hugh Hefner's mansion to return her engagement ring, her stack of love letters, their shared set of Anthony Trollope novels, the Jøtul wood stove, the Henry VIII andirons in the shape of spaniels, the Panzer tank . . . OK, just the ring. As the world knows, Crystal got frigid foots just before her scheduled Saturday wedding to Hugh. We'd have loved to be in on the civil, measured talk Monday between jilted Hugh and now-friend Crystal, at 25 only six decades his junior.

Actually, Hef seems to be okey-doke. His instant replacement gf, Anna Sophia Berglund, is already in place. She was, by a wacky, cosmic quirk of incredible coincidence, Playboy's Miss January of this year. By another insanely unbelievable coincidence, she is, at 25, only six decades Hugh's junior. Anonymous Sources say Hugh has "been with" Anna steadily for months. And she's not the only one. The Bunny House, a kind of sexual holding tank across from Hugh's manse, is again well stocked with those bodacious honeys, twins Karissa and Kristina Shannon, at 21 only six dec- - well, you know. By the by, Crystal's on the cover of July's Playboy with the headline "Mrs. Crystal Hefner." Oops!!

Crystal was seen partying with

Heidi Montag

Saturday in Vegas. Heidi prepared for the day, knowing she'd be snapped in her stringinis. "I've been working out from, like, 5 a.m. to 7 p.m. for two months," she tells UsMagazine.com. "I was actually a lot overweight," declares the Mount Rushmore of plastic surgery. Yeah, a lot: She once ballooned to 130 pounds! (She's 103 now.)

It's the tiff that keeps on tiffing! We refer to the

Megan Fox

/

Michael Bay

/

Steven Spielberg

hate rhomboid that led M-Fox to get her foxiness booted off Transformers 3: Dark of the Moon. Producer Bay tells the Daily Mail it wasn't him who was hurt by Fox's faux pas comparing him to philanthropist and peace activist

Adolf Hitler

. Oh, nooo! It was exec producer

Spielberg.

Michael was so not-hurt he gave a whole interview about how Steven fired Megan outta there. "You know the Hitler thing," says Michael. Yes, we know it. "Steven said, 'Fire her right now.' " The art of inverse-reciprocal- negative hype flourishes as never before! Transformers 3 comes in July; the leading beauty is Victoria's Secret underwearhorse

Rosie Huntington Whiteley

, across from leading boy

Shia "Gotta Lotta Vowels" LaBeouf

.

In quite a coup for Fox News, if you listen to Fox News, CNN chief White House correspondent

Ed Henry

is ditching CNN for FNC. Henry will become Fox's chief White House correspondent, as part of a big shakeup of the channel's Washington coverage. . . . This past weekend

Noel Gallagher

, once the tiresome bad-boy leader of the feuding band

Oasis

, wed his gf of 11 years, lovely

Sara MacDonald

, mommy to two of Noel's chilluns,

Donovan

, 3, and

Sonny

, 8 months. But this wouldn't be an Oasis wedding without Sturm und a steamin' heap of Drang. Noel pointedly not-invited brother

Liam

, with whom he's been fighting since before the womb. (Liam, it is said, didn't invite Noel to his wedding, either.) Longtime Noel pal

Russell Brand

was the best man, and rockers such as

Paul Weller

were on hand, as was other Noel progeny

Anais

, 11.

Britney Spears

' "I Wanna Go" vid, due Wednesday, features the perennial teen striking paparazzi with her mike. It may be a symbolic act of rebellious protest. . . .

J.K. Rowling

has announced that on Thursday she will announce her new project called Pottermore. Is it more Harry Potter? "I know nothing about that whatsoever," Harry himself,

Daniel Radcliffe

, tells the Los Angeles Times. . . . Lifetime's cleverly titled Roseanne's Nuts, in which

Roseanne Barr

manages a 40-acre macadamia and livestock farm in Hawaii, debuts July 13.