Sideshow: Conan entertains the grads

Why is it that the very folks who are helping

The Forces of Darkness

dismantle Western Civ are the most insightful about the evil that they do?

Take Conan O'Brien, who on Sunday imparted some very funny - albeit also very depressing - wisdom to a sea of girls and boys with his commencement address at Dartmouth University. Conan wasn't the only boldfacer there: George H.W. Bush came with wife Barbara to accept an honorary doctor of laws degree.

"Before I begin, I must point out that behind me sits a highly admired president of the United States and decorated war hero," Conan said, "while I, a cable television talk-show host, has been chosen to stand here and impart wisdom. I pray I never witness a more damning example of what is wrong with America today."

Conan was awarded an honorary doctor of arts degree. He began his talk by mocking the fact that the graduates were getting their degrees after four years of hard work. "Dartmouth is giving me the same degree for interviewing the fourth lead in Twilight," he said.

Clarence Clemons,

saxophonist with

Bruce Springsteen & the E Street Band,

was recovering at a Palm Beach County, Fla., hospital Monday after suffering a stroke the night before.

"Yesterday it did not look good at all," an unnamed "close friend" told Springsteen fan site Backstreets.com on Monday. "Today . . . miracles are happening. His vital signs are improving. He's responsive. . . . He was paralyzed on his left side, but now he's squeezing with his left hand. This is the best news we've heard since [the stroke] happened - it's nothing short of miraculous. The next five days will still be critical. But he's a fighter."

Clemons, 69, reportedly underwent two brain surgeries after the stroke.

He last played with Springsteen in December 2010, and he plays on two songs on Lady Gaga's Born This Way.

Should convicts sentenced to house arrest be allowed to have fun? Should they carry on and dance and shout and party?

Lindsay Lohan thinks so. London's Daily Mail says the Mean Girls star partied with 10 pals on the rooftop of her Venice, Calif., pad on Sunday. LiLo, who made a plea deal in her jewelry theft case, isn't allowed to leave home except for medical reasons, but she can have anyone over.

The NBC affiliate in Salt Lake City has rebelled against

Hugh Hefner

's iron hold on the American soul, refusing to air

The Playboy Club

, NBC's series about Hef's hep clubs, says Variety.

The show, debuting this fall, "captures a time and place that challenged the social mores, where a visionary created an empire," NBC says.

"The Playboy brand is known internationally," says KSL-TV prez Mark Willes. "Everyone is clear what it stands for. We want to be sure everyone is clear what the KSL-TV brand stands for, which is completely inconsistent with the Playboy brand." KSL-TV is owned by Mormon Church-controlled Deseret Media.

Singer, mother, designer, and film auteur

Madonna

's next celluloid dream, the

Abbie Cornish

-starring romantic comedy

W.E.

, may make it to your multiplex: The Weinstein Co. has acquired it for release, says Variety.

Guess Dakota Fanning, 17, is old enough to sell her soul: The Twilight Saga starlet has been hired to shill the Marc Jacobs scent Oh, Lola, says People. The creepy print ad has Dakota looking like a cross between a cute Raggedy Ann doll and a heroin-addled call girl.

CBS's telecast of the Neil Patrick Harris-hosted Tony Awards on Sunday was watched by 6.9 mil viewers, about the same as last year, according to preliminary Nielsen figures released Monday. Not bad - for a show about plays. By comparison, this year's Oscars on ABC drew 37.6 mil.

Speaking of the

Fanning

s, Dakota's 12-year-old sis,

Elle

, tells USA Today she had a blast shooting

JJ Abrams

' blockbuster,

Super 8

, which was produced by

Steven Spielberg

. We get the feeling Elle compares herself to her sis a lot. "My sister did [Spielberg's]

War of the Worlds

with Steven when she was 12. I did

Super 8

with Steven when I was 12," Elle says. So

there!

Alfre Woodard

, 58, tells USA Today she surprised herself when she agreed to star in TNT's cop show

Memphis Beat

.

"My kids watch Law & Order and one of the CSIs," she says, "but I get freaked out because the crimes are too awful for me."

Woodard says her offbeat show, which costars Jason Lee, Sam Hennings, and DJ Qualls, is about character more than crime.

Her character, Lt. Tanya Rice, isn't exactly a model citizen. "We're just a little off-center. Tanya has five children," says Woodard, "and she hasn't been great at raising them. I love that."

The Duchess of Cambridge

(

Kate M

. to you and me) watched as her husband,

Prince William

, took part in the Order of the Garter ceremony in London on Monday. No, the order isn't a lingerie-appreciation club. It's an ancient group composed of the nation's most chivalrous bluebloods. . . . Dollmaker Herobuilders.com has issued not one but two dolls to commemorate the sex-photo scandal of Democratic U.S. Rep.

Anthony Weiner

. There's a standard, all-ages doll and an "anatomically correct" adults-only version. . . .

Tom Cruise

is so full of macho manhood, he did many of his own stunts on

Mission: Impossible - Ghost Protocol,

says director

Brad Bird

. Tom even did

Mission

-y things atop Dubai's Burj Khalifa, the tallest building in the world. . . . Prince William's sis-in-law

Pippa Middleton

, 27, has broken up with her long-term bf,

Alex Loudon

, the London tabs say. Pippa isn't waiting around: She's been seen hanging out with another ex-beau,

George Percy

. . . .

Tori Spelling

says paparazzi chased her as she was taking her kids to school. She crashed into a wall trying to evade them. She's fine.