Sideshow: Salahi says Whoopi was a meanie

Michaele Salahi, whose life gained meaning when she crashed a White House party, told Today hosts Kathie Lee Gifford and Hoda Kotb on Thursday that Whoopi Goldberg subjected her and her husband, Tareq Salahi, to an epithet-riddled dose of verbal abuse backstage after her appearance Wednesday on The View.

A View rep says Mrs. Salahi claimed Whoopi hit her on camera. The rep says the cohost merely tapped the publicity junkie.

Blowing further smoke down this molehill, Michaele's lawyer, Lisa Bloom, says Salahi was "treated very poorly by the hosts of the show" and denies she ever claimed to have been hit.

One wonders: Why would Whoopi not like such a beloved American hero?

Finally, the perfect product for men and women who always dreamed of making love while listening to Brit TV actress Tanya Franks (EastEnders, Pulling) and who have trouble making the right, um, love moves.

Yes, it's the Kama Sutra as mp3 download.

London's The Guardian says publisher Beautiful Books (www.beautiful-books.co.uk) has solved the problem plaguing humanity since the Hindu philosophical tract/sex manual was published 1,600 years ago: how to refer to its instructions while in flagrante delicto. I mean, someone has to keep the tome propped open.

"Simply download it on to your MP3 player and liven up your commute to work," says company exec Simon Petherick.

"Indeed, the possibilities are endless."

TMZ says Michael Jackson's spread in Lalaland's Holmby Hills neighborhood - "MJ Death Mansion," as the gossip outlet lovingly calls it - is being flogged on the market as a blue-light special for $28 mil - $10 mil less than its price before the One-Gloved Wonder died there in June 2009. Don't think you can get a free tour by pretending to be a buyer: Current owner Hubert Guez, the chief executive officer of sartorial company Ed Hardy, says those expressing interest will be subject to an "extensive prequalifying check."

The humiliation, the sexual objectification, the, the, the . . . drag of being part of Bravo's Real Housewives franchise! Can anyone stand it? Unnamed Cast Member of Real Housewives of New Jersey calls it "slave labor." It must be! The wimmens are mad "they only get paid $3,000 to tape each episode." Bravo also tried not to pay them for reunion shows or cameos on Bravo failures like The Fashion Show. Unnamed Source tells celeb columnist Rob Shuter the cast ladies plan "to fight back" against their mean TV bosses. The stars of Real Housewives of Atlanta threatened, before their reunion episode, not to fight on camera unless Bravo paid them! Workers of the world, unite!

Popular Entertainment Tonight host Mary Hart, 59, on Thursday announced she is leaving the show after its 30th season, which debuts Sept. 13. "I've had the privilege of spending 29 years doing something I love - how often does that happen?" Hart said. . . . English songbird Lily Allen, 25, and her beau, Sam Cooper, 32, tell People they are expecting their first child. The "Smile" singer has another baby of sorts: On Aug. 13, she and sis Sarah Owen will unveil their new fashion line, Lucy in Disguise. . . . Another setback in Cupid's faltering career: Sean Penn and Robin Wright's 14-year marriage was officially terminated July 22. They will have joint custody of their 16-year-old son, Hopper Jack. They also have a daughter, Dylan Frances, 19. . . . Taylor Swift honored her fans Wednesday by releasing her new single, "Mine," on iTunes two weeks ahead of schedule. MTV calls the tune "an uplifting country/pop melody and a big chorus." . . . Bachelorette star Ali Fedotowsky and fiance Roberto Martinez say they may honor the sanctity of marriage by making their wedding into a TV special. "The money we can save on that we could use to invest in our lives," Roberto says. . . . Chris Brown tweets that his next album is forthcoming "next year or sooner."

Former New York Mayor Rudy Giuliani's daughter, Caroline Giuliani, 20, was arrested Wednesday in Manhattan for shoplifting, the New York Post says. Cops tell People the Harvard undergrad was charged with petty larceny for allegedly lifting $100 worth of cosmetics from a Sephora store.

TMZ says designer Tommy Hilfiger's son, Richard Hilfiger, 20, was charged with one felony count of possession of marijuana for sale after being stopped by cops in West Hollywood over the weekend. No comment from Hilfiger's reps.

Julia Roberts has a nothing-is-something Zen philosophy of the Thespian Way. "I have no acting technique," she tells Elle mag. "There's nothing more boring than actors sitting around talking about acting." (Right on!)

The Pretty Woman star also expresses, in a manner most articulate and intelligent, her opposition to Botox and plastic surgery.

"It's unfortunate that we live in such a panicked, dysmorphic society where women don't even give themselves a chance to see what they'll look like as older persons," she says.

"Your face tells a story . . . and it shouldn't be a story about your drive to the doctor's office."