While you're nursing your sunburn, American Idol is out there determining the contestants for the Hollywood round of Season 9.

To fill the vaporous hole created by the departure of Paula Abdul, the show is using guest judges. So far, it's been Victoria Beckham in Boston and Mary J. Blige in Atlanta.

There are rumors that Shania Twain, Kelly Clarkson, and Joe Jonas may each sub in one of the remaining five audition cities.

One thing all these people share: They are grossly overqualified for the job.

In a situation like this, you want someone whose qualifications are commensurate with those of the person he or she is replacing. For instance, if Ryan Seacrest were to leave the show, would you recruit Anthony Hopkins or Ian McKellen? Of course not.

No, you'd find a road tour of Hairspray and pick the toothiest narcissist in the chorus.

So it is with your Paula proxy. You don't need star power. You don't even need someone who can speak in complete sentences.

The only qualifications are an unhinged air of unpredictability and the ability to clap like a trained seal.

Persons with a musical background need not apply. (That means you, Amy Winehouse.)

Silly American Idol. You have a pool of made-to-order candidates right at your fingertips - any of the women on E! reality shows. Take your pick: Kendra Wilkinson, Denise Richards, Shayne Lamas, or Khloe Kardashian. (That's right, you don't even need Kim. Even a third-string Kardashian will do for this gig.)

As for obtaining a permanent replacement for Paula, may I suggest one of the ladies of VH1?

How low can you go? Among the most watched shows on television last week, America's Got Talent finished first and third. In most recent weeks, it's snagged the top two spots.

I know it's summer, but come on, people. You can do better than this.

America's Got Talent is nothing but The Gong Show with David Hasselhoff instead of Chuck Barris.

Even Jerry Springer jumped ship after two seasons. Do you really want to watch something that's below Springer's standards?

Remedial math. Wanna get away, Patricia Heaton?

The sitcom actress may be tempted to crawl under a rock after her mortifying appearance on Who Wants to Be a Millionaire this week.

Regis lobbed her this question, for $50,000: "A euro is worth $1.50. Five Euros is worth what?" The choices were (a) 30 quarters; (b) 50 dimes; (c) 70 nickels; (d) 90 pennies.

Heaton developed a ferocious brain cramp. "I don't know. I have no idea," she moaned. Regis patiently tried to walk her through it. "50 dimes is worth how much?" he asked. "50 cents?" she ventured. She was just as lost when he asked her how many pennies there are in a dollar.

Eventually, Heaton used one of her lifelines to call her husband for help, explaining, "He's European." Huh? The call clock expired before he could formulate a suggestion.

Maybe she should have called a fifth grader. Those kids are notoriously smart.

Contact staff writer David Hiltbrand at 215-854-4552 or dhiltbrand@phillynews.com. Read his recent work at http://go.philly.com/daveondemand.