Ask Amy: Her stance on Net dating is conflicting

Dear Amy:

I am a single female in my 30s. I am not into the bar scene, so I use Internet sites to meet and date men.

If I like a man's profile, I write to him. Upon their reply, men immediately give me their phone numbers and ask me to call them.

I made the first move by writing them, so I believe they should take over the pursuing role.

I will call them after I get to know them a bit, but not at the beginning. Am I too old-fashioned? Has society switched roles on me? Or have women before me been so rude that these men are gun-shy?

Dear Susan:

A protocol of sorts has emerged for Internet meeting and matching in which men offer their phone numbers, giving women the opportunity to call.

Men who do this aren't necessarily expecting you to pursue them. They are acknowledging that women are sometimes reluctant to give out their phone numbers for security reasons. A guy who does this is telling you that he is interested and would like to hear from you.

It seems a little cockeyed that you would be willing to post and respond to online profiles and yet expect a guy to "pursue" you. Men exclusively pursuing women is a relationship relic. The Internet is a great social leveler, so many of the old rules don't apply.

If you are uncomfortable "cold-calling" a man - many people don't like speaking by phone if they don't know the person on the other end - you can ignore the proffered phone number and conduct the "getting to know you" phase by e-mail.