High-flying Eagles have ruined these jokes | Stu Bykofsky

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Joe Conklin finds new targets when the Eagles don't suck

The Super Bowl is great for Philly, great for New England, great for the NFL.

For whom is it not great? Joke writers. It’s wiped out a vast library of their work.

Does the following joke work any more?

Q: What’s the best part about dating an Eagles fan?

A: She won’t be asking for a ring.

It no longer works.

Decades of bitter Eagles jokes flew high while the Birds struggled:

Q: What did the Eagles fan say after the team won the Super Bowl?

A: “Why’d you wake me up, Mom? I was having an amazing dream!”

Q: What do you call a Philadelphia Eagle with a Super Bowl ring?

A: A thief.

Q: What’s the difference between a carp and an Eagles fan?

A: One is a bottom-feeding scum-sucker. The other is a fish.

Funnyman Joe Conklin, the perennial comic headliner at the Candidates Comedy Night I ran for 25 years at various venues around town, says jokes about the Eagles’ ineptitude have to be retargeted away from the team. Example: “If you plan on going to Minneapolis, don’t buy your Super Bowl package from Don Tollefson.”

Or turn your fire on the fans.

From Saturday Night Live: “It’s going to be the first Super Bowl where the fans have more brain damage than the players.”

“You gotta love Eagles fans,” says local comic Al Casalnova. “If you scream at the game and get hoarse, some other fan will punch it.”

Conklin chimes in: “If we can’t knock the Patriots off their high horse, we’ll beat up the horse. Give Santa and the snowballs a rest for a while.”

I’d be careful using the words a rest when talking about Eagles fans.

“Everyone’s hopping on the bandwagon,” says Conklin. “There are Eagle cupcakes, soft pretzels in the shape of a dog bone, a guy on the corner selling a LeGarrette Blount.”

Since we have new jokes, it’s time to put a load of old Eagles jokes (mostly from Jokes4Us.com) to rest. This will be their final airing:

Q: Why can’t quarterback Sam Bradford use the phone?

A: He can’t find the receiver.

In divorce court, a judge asked Donovan and Raquel McNabb’s son which parent he wanted to live with. “Your mother?” asked the judge. “No,” said the son. “Why?” asked the judge. “Mom hits,” said the son, “but Dad doesn’t beat anyone.”

Did you hear that Lincoln Financial Field had to be resodded? It’s really sad when you can’t even get your own grass to root for you.

I took my broken vacuum cleaner back to the store. They put an Eagles jersey on it and now it sucks again.

Q: What’s the difference between the Eagles and a dollar bill?

A: You can get four quarters out of a dollar bill.

Q: What do the Eagles and possums have in common?

A: Both play dead at home and get killed on the road.

Q: What do you call 53 millionaires around a TV watching the Super Bowl?

A: The Philadelphia Eagles.

Q: Why don’t the Eagles have a website?

A: They can’t string three “Ws” together.

Q: What does an Eagles fan do when the team has won the Super Bowl?

A: Turns off the PlayStation 3.

Better not destroy the jokes, cautions Conklin. They can be rewritten for the Phillies or the Flyers — or saved for when the Eagles suck again.