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BDSM: Big Deal or Small Matter?

“Fifty Shades” asks if it hurts to feel good, or vice-versa, why not board the Love Train?

WHAT'S YOUR safe word?

If you don't know what I mean, maybe you should see "Fifty Shades of Grey," author E.L. James' paean to BDSM.

If you don't browse Craigslist or Backpage, that stands for Bondage, Discipline, Sado-Masochism, which are not courses at Bryn Mawr (yet), but physical activities that sometimes leach into sexual activities.

Some say BDSM is a perversion of love.

Some say it is a side dish to love, adding sexual spice, and only perverted if you don't do it.

The movie is about a billionaire who has a contract that allows him to boss, bully and sexually abuse a woman. Sounds like my boss, minus the sex. Unlike me, she agrees to it.

The movie has whipped up anticipation in moviegoers. "Fifty" slithers behind the low-brow, monster best-seller, but it is tasteful. The mood is light, even playful, with more pink touches of humor than black and blue bruises. More romantic than erotic, maybe because director Sam Taylor-Johnson is female.

I saw the movie at a screening sitting next to Steve and Mia, the Daily News' sexperts.

Steve was gagging on his Mike and Ikes, while Mia muttered, "Oh, no, not to me you don't!" We agreed the movie barely registered on the Sexual Excitement Meter.

I know billionaire Christian Grey missed a few bedroom tricks, but on the advice of editors, I'll draw the curtain on that.

Since the book has little literary merit, something else made it resonate with 100 million readers, 99.7 million of them female. In a word, sex. But what kind of sex? Is it "abuse" when both parties agree to it?

I remember the joke about the masochist yelling, "Beat me, beat me!" and the sadist yelling, "No, no!"

Christian says he is used to getting his own way, and that's really surprising coming from a billionaire. (Suppress chuckle, imagine online comments about the Koch brothers and George Soros.)

Best-sellers can create a ripple, but blockbuster movies create a tidal wave flooding mass culture. The R-rated movie is not the first to highlight BDSM. There was "Last Tango in Paris" (1982), "Nine 1/2 Weeks" (1986) and "Secretary" (2002) among others, but will "Fifty" um, popularize it?

Christian is the experienced serial dominator, Anastasia is the straight-A, mousy, English-lit virgin (aren't they all?), not even knowing what she would like sexually because she has done nothing sexually. She is curious and intrigued. His interest in her is less clear.

She was not a hard sell, just a reluctant consumer, looking at something she may want, but isn't sure she needs, like a microwaveable hot body wrap. When Christian takes her up in his helicopter, he takes her resistance down.

People get their freak on in different ways and - this is the serious part - as long as it's a safe, sane and voluntary arrangement between adults, I see no harm.

You may find it icky, or not a spanking good idea. That's you.

Christian's philosophy that Ana can achieve total freedom by complete submission sounds almost Quranic. Or Ozian ("Surrender, Dorothy").

"Fifty" will drive progressives and feminists crazy because it seems to reek of male privilege. That's a superficial view.

"Fifty" is more about sex than sexism, more than a man dominating a woman (who slyly resists). Anyone checking the XXXplicit sex ads knows there are numerous leather-clad, spike-heeled dominatrixes who are paid to abuse, humiliate, whip and degrade their male clients.

That's sex, not sexism.

At least, that's what my dominatrix told me to say.

Phone: 215-854-5977

On Twitter: @StuBykofsky

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